I feel as though I'm in a fuzzy place lately, the kind that comes from too little sleep and the need to just keep going anyway. I remember watching some survival show a few years ago about a little family who became lost in a snow storm in the middle of nowhere. There was one point where they thought their baby had died, but really he had just gone into hibernation mode, sleeping much more than usual so his little body would use less energy and need less food. Incredible.

Anyway, I feel like my body is doing something similar some days - partially shutting down in order to conserve the small amount of energy I have. Functioning at half capacity. Austin is a rotten sleeper (really, really bad), and my nights are a blur. I wake up feeling like I haven't slept more than an hour. Also, he's a mama's boy who wants to be held ALL THE TIME, and this too is draining. These are the days that try a mother's soul.

I remember when my brother Eric was working at a job that required him to wake up at 3 am he turned into a different person. Much quieter, less enthusiastic, not as fun. He was half awake, but he seemed mostly dead. He was doing what he had to do to support his family. We had a party to celebrate the day he was finally able to quit that job. It took some time but he came back to us, the Eric who once was. He woke up.

In a few months Austin will be 1 (he's 2/3 today!) and he'll start drinking bottles and eating more real foods. Sleep will be more sound for both of us, as it always has been in my experience. He will be mobile and won't want to be in my arms as much. I'll wake up and suddenly be more productive. It happens every time. But in the mean time I'll be here, just not completely. I used to wonder why Eric would still come over and hang out with us on Friday nights instead of getting some extra sleep, but now I think I know. A fuzzy life is still worth getting out of bed for.

Jack was a little camera happy this morning. I thought this one fit this post remarkably well, like I'd planned it or something=)
Here are more samples from his morning portfolio:

I have no idea how he made this one red. He's amazing, huh?


  1. Look at that red picture! I think you my have an artist on your hands!

  2. I know all too well the zombie mom mode that you describe. I wonder how it is for Josh that the woman I've been most of our married life (which is what you described) is different than the woman he dated and chose for a wife. I hope he likes both of us. I've been feeling more like that today and yesterday that I have felt in a long time. I'm battling a head cold and not sleeping well because of kids, so not getting better very fast. The head cold leaves me very fuzzy in the head, and not very patient. I didn't mean to go on and on. I just wanted you to know I'm right there with you. We can do it, right? We'll get through and our husbands and kids will too, because they'll bear with us in the meantime and they'll love us for it in the end. I know that's true.

  3. I have been about three years in that mode. i remember briefly when we figured out Eliza was intolerant to milk protein when she was two and she finally started sleeping at night. I had three very productive months before Lydia was born. I hope I return to those days sometime, but for now I go on as my half dazed self. I know there is a much wittier and more organized person deep inside just waiting to wake up, but 14 months without sleep are not the necessary stimulant. I love reading your blog by the way, and I think you are an amazing mom!! We are going to be in Spokane for New Years, so we will finally get to see you guys!

  4. I totally relate to knowing there is someone better inside, wondering what it must be like for Kevin to NOT have the Natalie he married. Plugging along, trusting that he still loves me and that deep down I'm a smart person. I'm so glad I have such good company on this fuzzy road we are taking.


what do you think?