My Five Small Boys

all because 2 people fell in love

2012-01-26T13:58:00.000-08:00

So back when I fell in love with Kevin, I quit school. I was a semester away and I left it all for him. To be honest, I was always a good student, but I wasn't terribly dedicated to my education. Real life, like what I'm doing now, was the real goal and I was just giving myself a backup plan. I was studying Child Development at BYU-Idaho when we started dating. He had graduated from BYU and was working in Salt Lake. Once I was serious about him, the thought of not leaving school barely crossed my mind. And I've had no regrets to speak of.

Both Kevin and my mom have been encouraging me to finish since I left. I looked into it once before Noah was born, but the timing just seemed off and the pieces weren't falling into place. Also, I wasn't really internally motivated, so I gave up on the whole thing pretty quickly.

BUT, now I'm doing it. Kristen brought it up on Tuesday and it just felt right. None of my usual excuses came to mind (though I'm sure I could still come up with a few). Yesterday, I applied to BYUI and I'll just take online classes. I'm getting excited to finally do this.

Here's the thing, though, and I can't decide how to feel about this part. They don't offer a Child Development degree online. The closest is a Marriage and Family Studies degree but I surprisingly have only a handful of the required upper-division classes. There are other majors offered, but with each one I would barely use any of my child development classes and I would be looking at a very long road ahead. One I'm just not going to commit to at this phase in my life. It would not work for me, I know that. I think I can only realistically take 2 classes at a time. Maybe three. And if you add up everything I would need to start a new major, I would be in school, all the time, for at least 6 years.

They do offer a solution, though it isn't very impressive. I can get a University Studies degree by having 1 minor and 2 "clusters." A cluster is 12-15 required credits within one area of study. So, I would get a Child Development minor, and clusters in Sociology and Family Studies. It's a bachelor's degree, just a very weak little bachelor's degree. Still. If I do this, I will just have to take 3 classes. That's it. None of my classes will go to waste and I'll be done by the end of the year. Of course, all of this is subject to the approval of the deans of those collages. Maybe some of my classes won't count anymore. They're all pretty much the same as what is offered now, but I don't know how this works. I spoke with one of the deans and he seems so helpful. I love BYUI for that reason. It seems like all of the teachers and administration are really there to help and want to make things work. It has been a long time. It doesn't seem long, but it's been 8 years. It goes so fast, doesn't it?

So, this is the route I'm taking for now. I'm pretty insecure about it though. Just tell me it's a good idea, even if you don't think it is. Or if you have any advice, I'd love to hear it.

finally...

2012-01-25T17:49:00.000-08:00

{enough snow for a snowman!}

the truth comes out

2012-01-24T08:17:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago we, like everyone else we know, caught a stomach bug that made the rounds in our family. No one escaped it. Luckily, it was a short-lived thing, lasting less than 24 hours each time. When it was all over, we'd had enough throwing up to last us for a long long time.

So when Noah came upstairs last Thursday declaring "Taywer frew up!" I thought "please, let's not start that again!" He came upstairs and we got him cleaned up and off to bed for the night. He seemed fine and in the morning there wasn't a hint of illness. Maybe he just ate too much before spinning on the swing downstairs, I concluded.

Then on Sunday while we were all in the kitchen cleaning up breakfast, Jack asked "mom, would cat food taste good to me?" "No. It's gross," I told him, "and if you eat it, you might get sick." "And I'd throw up like Taylor did?" he asked. "Yeah, you might" I said. Then Noah chimed in "'Cause Taywer ate kitty food, then he frew up?" "No, Taylor didn't eat cat food...did he? Did you, Tays?" I asked, the peices coming together. "Yeah" he answered frankly. "And then you threw up?" I was shocked. "Yeah, I did." He kept his eyes on the ground. Ha ha ha, poor Tays.=) Funny that no one thought to mention that little detail before.

We were rushing to get off to church, so Kev and I had a good laugh and didn't say much else about it, but this morning I asked him some questions. Here's how things went down:

Me: Why did you eat cat food?
Tays: Well, I promised Noah if he ate one, I'd eat one.
Noah: I ate one, but I didn't frow up. It was yucky, but I didn't frow up.
Me: How much did you eat?
Tays: we just ate one.
Me: how did it taste, Tays?
Tays: Yucky. Well, when I first put it in my mouth it wasn't yucky, but when I crunched it, it was.
Me: So when did you throw up?
Tays: right when I crunched it.

So, there you have it, folks. It was just a dare gone bad. =)

reestablishing peace

2012-01-23T13:34:00.000-08:00

We've had a rough patch of days this past week, and I should have seen it coming, but I didn't. The standard for behavior was gradually slipping, and before I could put my finger on why we were all becoming so miserable, we hit bottom. I woke up one day and no words were spoken by the boys without a whiny tone, no disagreements resolved without full-on fisticuffs, and no disappointments met with anything besides tears and tantrums. It was horrible! And it wasn't just a fluke bad day. During the next several (awful) days I tried to fight it and restore order, but my efforts were met only with the worst kind of loud, angry, tearful resistance.

A few nights ago, totally defeated, I declared to Kevin that I was done. Just a few weeks ago at grandma's house, we'd been patting ourselves on the back for boys well-taught, how did we come to this so quickly? They were the WORST little set of imps I'd ever seen and I felt more outnumbered than ever.

So. After much discussion, we decided it was time to turn the tide. The next morning over breakfast, I outlined the four behaviors I would no longer tolerate:

1. Whining in any form
2. Not listening the first time
3. Fighting
4. Crying/Flipping out

If you do any of these things, I told them, you will sit on a chair for 2 minutes (more if the action warrants it). If you cry or whine or even talk while on the chair, I'll add a minute. If you don't stop, you'll get an X.

{Getting an X has somehow become the worst punishment imaginable around our house, and I don't know why. All that takes place is I write an "X" on a paper next to their name. Thats it. But for some reason, they HATE to get an X. They'll beg a plead and offer anything to prevent me from writing one. On occasion I'll say something like "if you get 3 Xs today, you won't get to..." But most of the time, it's not attached to anything...I don't get why it's so effective, but I'll take it.}

I wasn't looking forward to actually following through every time. I was already worn out from the horrific days before. The first whining came about 30 seconds later, followed in regular succession for the next few hours. To my surprise, though, the boys often submitted fairly peacefully to their punishments. By the time I picked Jack up from school, I would already see that we were on the right track. No one had an X, but both Noah and Taylor had each spent a considerable amount of time on chairs. Jack whined only once before he saw that I wasn't having any more of it. We had a peaceful lunch and not one (major) flip out all day.

It's been about 5 days now and *thank heaven* things are much improved.

I love these little boys always, but it's a lot easier to love them when they know their boundaries=)

post script: for some reason I can't leave comments on my own blog...anyone else struggling with this? Maybe you can't answer that because you can't leave a comment on my blog either. Anyway, what I would comment is this: Yes, we give them smiles for being good (stickers sometimes, too), Xs for being naughty. They love to see a paper filled with only smiles, so I think that is the biggest motivation. They don't want to tarnish their good report, or have their brothers have more smiles or fewer Xs.=) It's funny that it matters so much. In truth, I have a really hard time actually writing an X and most days we don't have any because, in general, they really are trying.

starting (again) somewhere.

2012-01-16T22:41:00.000-08:00

Today I got my haircut, but I'm growing it out so no one will notice the missing half inch. It feels really wonderful though and I guess that is worth $30.

Adam turned one and I am very in love with him. (my camera on the other hand...now that the screen is broken, I'm struggling to find love for it because I keep taking bad pictures and not realizing it until I upload them.) He's walking so well, but he prefers to crawl most of the time. He has a happy nature and is quick to smile. He is developing a passion for food that rivals Taylor's, and that is saying something.

Our trip to Washington for Christmas was perfect and I still find myself resisting real life. Oh, January.

I'm planning a baby shower for Marlee. It's nice to come to a season in my life when the role of hostess doesn't scare me to death. She bought this divine little dress today...and I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not jealous that she gets to buy such beautiful things.

We went out to sushi with my sisters on Saturday and I feel like I've been dissatisfied with everything I've eaten since. SO good. And five awesome rolls for $30. That's a better deal than my unnoticeable haircut, I'm sure.

Oh, baked halibut roll, I miss you already and I'll be back as soon as I can justify you again.

Kevin and I are going on a little getaway trip to San Diego next month and I'm so excited! I've been on tripadvisor searching out the best cheap little restaurants and places to go. We loved it last time we went, when I was VERY pregnant with Austin 3 years ago. It will be nice to not have to sit and catch my breath every 15 minutes or so. It also rained much of the time...but we didn't mind. It was so fun anyway. I have a really fun husband and I can't wait to spend some uninterrupted time with him again. Any suggestions of places not to be missed while we're there?

Jack is plugging away at school, loving it as much as ever. Taylor is learning more and more at home, getting ready for when it's his turn for kindergarten. I can feel life getting busier already, prepping me for the next phase of life maybe. I liked our slow, no need to leave the house life, but we've adjusted to going and picking up Jack every day without any trouble. Right now, leaving the house more sounds good. The cold weather has everyone stir-crazy and moody and I'm not loving what that has brought out in my boys...or me.

Kevin is loving work. It's been about a year since he branched out on his own and all is still going smoothly, with a few bumps to work out now and then. One thing I love about the beginning of the year is how focused Kev is on his goals. I feel like I have so many external factors, my goals tend to be pretty small. He shoots higher and is really dedicated. Its motivating to live with someone who is motivated, so it works out well for both of us.

It has been a long time since I've been in the habit of posting, so its hard to get back into it. While my life is easier than ever in many ways, it does take a lot of time=) I love it, though, and I want to keep a record of it better. So, consider this a new, rambling, beginning.

it was not to be

2012-01-11T15:24:00.000-08:00

I've found my urge to write again.

It's usually after I've had my filll of others' brilliant or menial musings that I find my own fingers itching to come up with something substantial to say about my life. I either feel that, or I feel like quitting this blog world altogether.

And here I am, all inspired. But as fate would have it, the time I spent getting inspired was time my boys spent using stamp pads as stamps themselves all over my kitchen. Blue and green rectangles helter skelter all over my floor and counter. Inky-footed boys fill the bathtub. I hear water spurting and gails of laughter, so I think I'd best not stay and write at the moment.

But I'll be back soon.

helping dad

2011-12-01T15:01:00.000-08:00

When Austin saw Kev changing the tire on the van yesterday morning, he couldn't get bundled up fast enough. He had to see what was going on out there!

Kev later told me that Austin was SO cute. When Kev took off the tire, Austin said "dat's UH-MAY-ZEEN!" When he pulled the spare out from under the back, he said "dat's AHW-SUM daddy!"

holiday highlights

2011-11-30T13:12:00.000-08:00

We had a really great Thanksgiving. I spent the holiday here in Utah. My sisters all went home to Washington and I admit that it was a little bit torturous to hear all of the fun they were having day after day without me. But we did have a great time here. The highlights:

It really is wonderful how much more I can get done around the house when Kevin is home. We worked hard to gut and clean room after room, leaving no pile unsorted, no clutter unbanished, no sheets unwashed. Ahh, it feels really great to have my house clean and under control. I'm not going to lie, it's been a long time since I felt like everything was easy to maintain. There has always been at least one room undone, keeping me from ever feeling really satisfied with the state of our home. As the weather continues to worsen, I can console myself with the fact that the home where we'll spend 99% of our waking hours will be an organized one. I'm praying the efforts we made will keep things manageable until it's warm enough to set these little boys loose in the yard again.

Thanksgiving dinner with the Larson's was SO good. All I had to bring was a jell-o salad = very stress-free meal for me. It was good to see everyone again. Although we live close, it had been almost a month since we'd seen everyone. Nicole made 6 different pies from scratch...mmmmm. I think Taylor had four pieces=). It was all very laid back and fun. We stayed and played rook and golf with Kev's parents while the boys watched Peter Pan. Adam was very tuckered out by the time we left, but he's since recovered. Thanks Larson's (and Cook's) for a great meal=)

And I couldn't highlight the weekend without mentioning the WORST church meltdown of Larson family history. All was going well in Sacrament meeting for the first 45 minutes or so. Tays was a little frustrated because he was trying to do a stencil and it kept not turning out as he hoped, but we were smoothing things over without major incident. But then...Noah somehow bonked his face on the hymn book holder and started crying really loudly. I had a bulky bag and four people between us and the end of the bench, so I tried to quiet him down but he wouldn't so I clumsily carried him out. I wasn't there, I was out with Noah for a few minutes, but Kevin tells me that my exit triggered something in Taylor. He wanted to come with me, but I was already gone. He cried loudly. Kevin had Adam in his arms and with Jack and Austin there too, leaving the chapel seemed like a bad option. Tays squished himself between the bench and the wall and continued to loudly cry and say he wanted me and wouldn't be comforted. I returned within a few minutes, but this did not calm Taylor down. After a few attempts at appeasing him, it became clear that nothing was working. I tried pulling him toward me, and he resisted, resulting in Noah tripping over the bulky bag and getting bonked again. He started crying too. I picked him up, stood up, took Taylor's hand and said we were going out. He didn't want to. I managed to get all three of us over the bulky bag, past Jack and Austin, and into the aisle. This is when Taylor clung to the bench, loudly protesting our departure. Noah was still sobbing and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Both seemed inappropriate in the middle of a talk at church but we were already attracting more attention than the speaker. After a few failed attempts at prying him away, I set Noah down, told him to follow me, and picked up the stubborn Tays, who loudly cried and cried. We went down the hall to a classroom where his cries turned into screams. It was lucky for him that I'd just read in a previous journal entry where I'd decided that "anger rarely teaches, love usually does." It took some time, but we did calm down by the time it was time for primary...where I teach his class. He was very well behaved from then on. I had a lesson planned, but when the other boys in the class were more rowdy than usual, I condensed it and we watched a movie on Saul of Tarsus and ate jelly beans for the bulk of the time. I'm afraid our looser sleep schedule over the break took it's toll and Taylor needs his sleep. I won't be making that mistake again soon=)

And finally, on a happier note, we took a few pictures of the boys for Kevin's parent's wall. It had been over FOUR years since we'd updated them, meaning they only had pictures of 2 year old Jack and 1 year old Tays...embarrassing. Here they are:

Adam -10 months

Austin - 2

Noah - 4

Tays - 5

Jack - 6

All in all, I'm feeling very grateful for my life.

How to Cook a Turkey

2011-11-21T12:53:00.000-08:00

from Jack's kindergarten class:

How to Cook a Turkey:

Jack- I don’t really know how. I never really saw someone take a turkey. Well,I did go to someone’s house, but they made a turkey themselves. I don’t know how to cook a turkey. Well, I saw my mom put a whole tub of chicken inside and I think that’s a turkey. You put it some boiling water. Yeah. And I don’t know what comes next. Well, I do know how to cook chicken eggs.
Cohen- You put the turkey in and then you heat it up and then you eat the turkey. That’s what my mom does.
Connor- You take off the skin. Then we cook it in the oven. And then we uh take it out and we eat it.
Brighton- We cook the turkey in the oven. We get a knife. We put the turkey on a plate. We eat it and then we throw it away.
Joshua- You get a turkey. Put it in the microwave. You bake it. You set the table. And then you eat it!
Mia- You cook it and um you put salt on it uh put butter on it uh and that’s all.
Kristina- You put it in the oven and you eat it for a little bit until you eat a big bite and then when you eat it all gone it will be yummy and good.
Brooklyn- We put turkey in and we put salt on it and then we boil it with hot water. Then we get it out and eat it.
Tyler- You have to kill the turkey and then take it home then burn it pieces and cut it to meat and then burn it again and then it will make a turkey.
Grace- I would first cook it up, I mean kill the turkey first and then I would cook it up. Let’s see. Oh then I would cut it to pieces until they were small, small, small. As small as a shoe and then we would eat it all up.
Nathan- Hatch the turkey and then cook it.
Calynn- I don’t know.
Alexis- You buy the turkey and then you wash it then you put it in the oven and then you put some yummy flavoring and then you eat it.
Carter- Turn on fire and cook it.
Chloe Jo- We uh can uh cook the turkey in the oven and we pick all the feathers off and we eat it. We can eat it at Thanksgiving.
David- Put it in the oven. Take all the feathers off and take the head off. Take the legs off and then eat the turkey.
Lizzie- Baking oh yes! Turkey and then ham and I’m done.
Logan- Cut it up, cook it and eat it.

I hope this helps you this week. And, if your turkey's a bust, you can always just go to someone else's house and eat the one they made themselves. Or, as a last resort, have chicken eggs.

ps. This interview only supports my stance that Jack is the cutest kid in his class.

two recommendations for you

2011-10-20T10:29:00.000-07:00

This book:

I finished this yesterday and thought it was really good. At first I wasn't all that into it, but it was entertaining enough to keep me reading. In the end I just keep thinking about it. Kev is probably sick of me talking about it. It's great for parents, but I think anyone would gain something from reading it. I checked it out from my local library, so if your local, you can pick it up there in about a week...assuming I return it on time.

And this sushi place:

info here

A trusted foodie friend recommended this place to us saying "the grand canyon roll will blow your mind." it. was. so. good. So good, in fact, that we went back again the next night with Kristen and Gavin. And we're going back again this week. What we loved: The grand canyon (truly mind-blowing), the rising sun, the mango tango, the baked halibut roll, and there were more...but I can't remember them. The sweet honey roll was really good for dessert. The great news: they're remodeling their storefront, so all of their specialty rolls (all of the ones I just mentioned included) are half price for another month or so. It's already reasonably priced, so half off means Kevin and I both got our fill for about $25 total. Mmmm.

saying goodbye

2011-10-14T14:46:00.000-07:00

This is a daily ritual at our house and this morning I finally grabbed my camera for it. When it's time for Kevin and Jack to leave in the morning, any brothers who are awake and can walk "push dad's car" down the driveway, then run along and wave goodbye:

Austin is usually sleeping, but was happy to join in today.

Noah loves it.

Taylor is the founder an most loyal participant.

(see Jack waving? and Tays getting some serious air?)

Adam wishes he could join them:

but manages to keep a good attitude from the doorway=)

I imagine as the weather worsens, they'll lose their enthusiasm for the tradition, but who knows.

If you happen to drive by and see my pajama clad, barefooted boys out in the snow, waving their goodbyes, try not to judge. It's tradition.=)

bumps and birthmarks

2011-09-23T10:12:00.000-07:00

Adams new found mobility hasn't come without a price:

He fell a few inches face first onto concrete when his brothers left the back door open.Poor little man!

But he sortof reminds me of his uncle Eric who has a birthmark on his forehead:

He'd make up stories about how he got it. I always thought it was a little dashing. Eric and I are 16 months apart and a grade apart in school. We had all of the same friends during our junior/senior year and I loved it.

This is Eric now:

surrounded by beautiful girls.

May Adam turn out so lucky=)

loving this picture today

2011-09-22T13:38:00.000-07:00

state of the larson boys

2011-09-16T09:43:00.000-07:00

Adam is crawling. Yesterday when we were at the park be took off into the dirt/wood chips and left little tracks as he shuffled along on all fours. He, like most babies of eight months, puts everything in his mouth and he doesn't discriminate between crackers and rocks, cereal and wood chips. Every now and then he'll luck out and find something delicious on the ground (the black licorice he's gnawing on now, for example),

and I think that's what motivates him to keep sampling whatever he happens to come upon.

Taylor and Noah have worked out most of the bugs in their relationship without Jack and with the pecking order established, they have become pleasant and entertaining in the morning hours while Jack is away. This is what they are up to right now:

(notice the handcuff with one side attached to Taylor's wrist and the other around the neck of his chipmunk). I hear lots of funny things as they are playing. I can't do them justice in writing, because you have to hear the inflections, the dynamics, the relationship itself. A better writer could capture these things, but I doubt any reader (besides my mom, maybe?) would really feel as I feel when I listen to them.

And speaking of those good feelings, yesterday as I picked up Jack from school a few kids called out "bye, Jack!" and he enthusiastically called "Bye!" back. He was grinning with a sparkle in his eye and told me about Joshua and Mia and Alexis, and the things they'd done and the silly things that one boy said, and what they played at recess. I was driving along and had just a wave of gratitude and inevitable maternal pride. He's doing great. He's thriving. Kevin and I will be volunteering in his class in the next few weeks and I can't wait to see how he is. He made this in class yesterday, and although I still need to ask him about it, I thought it was really funny:

that's me, in the middle, cooking dinner. =)

And then there's this little ray of sunshine:

who just woke up and entered my day. He can be rather abrasive at times, but deep down he's a real softy who just needs some extra love in the mornings...and the afternoons...and most evenings. He's actually really good and easy most of the time, but he does have an attitude and he's most stubborn about footwear. He hates his sandals and wants to wear his sunday shoes always. But he could sit for hours and read books with me, and he loves to see what I'm cooking, and he has such a cute way of talking ("dat[pause]made[pause]me[pause]happy[pause]mom!" after going down the slide.) oh so cute. He gets under my skin and I can't help but adore him.

May you have a good weekend and may BYU beat Utah on Saturday.

seven years

2011-09-13T08:40:00.000-07:00

Kevin and I have been marrried for seven years now. If you are not yet married, I highly recommend getting married in September. I understand it isn't the most convenient month of the year for a wedding, but you'll be thanking yourselves every year on your anniversary. I swear, it is always beautiful on September 10th. Always. This year it was my turn to plan it, and we had such a fun time. Marlee and Luke stayed the night so we could leave early in the morning to go yardsaling. Not romantic, but we have a great time whenever we get the chance to go together. It's a throwback to our earliest days when we furnished our first apartment by yardsaling with our wedding cash=)

We then went up to Salt Lake to the farmers market at pioneer park. It's totally hipsterish and not really the sort of thing we'd normally do, but we had such a fun time. We bought a big bag of peaches, some ethnic food, a few tomatoes and sat under a tree and ate it all. We took our time. It seems we never take our time anymore. Even when we go out, I feel a sense of urgency to get back, or make the most of the time away and it's always a little stressful. Marlee and Luke and Mikelle were all babysitting, and we had a big chunk of hours to spend without a lot on our list of things to do. It was so great.

After seeing all we wanted to at the farmers market, we went to a nearby park and played big boggle at a picnic table in the shade. It felt like heaven outside and there was a perfect tree situated right behind Kevin, making the whole scene almost too idyllic. He won almost every time, but that's alright. He usually does. Every now and then I blow him out of the water with huge words. He's more consistent, finding more little words every time. It keeps things pretty even, but still interesting. We're a good match, Kev and I.

On Sunday we had some time and so we took the boys back up to the park we'd gone to in Salt Lake. It's actually memory grove, a Utah veteran's memorial. We stay in our church clothes on Sunday as a reminder of the sabbath day. It (sortof) helps the boys not be (so) rough and tumble. There were only a few other kids at the park, and although my boys looked handsome and behaved pretty well, we weren't well received. If looks could talk I think we'd have heard a lot of "this is Salt Lake, we have dogs here, kids just aren't the thing anymore, you poor, unenlightened little mom. Do you realize what you are doing to the planet by having all of those!" Now I know I sound like I was reading into things too much, but I'm not particularly observant or self conscious in general, we just do our thing. But we were getting some serious looks. Head shaking and raised eyebrows without the hint of a smile. Oh, salt lake residents. You don't know what you're missing!

We can't imagine a better way to spend 7 years.

but that's just us.

something new

2011-09-01T20:34:00.000-07:00

With a week of school under his belt, I think I can say that Jack loves kindergarten.

I admit, I've been worried about this adjustment. I worried about breaking up the gang, of working out the schedule, of loading up all of the boys everyday to go pick him up. I've cringed at the thought that his sensitive little heart might get trampled on, that he would be miserable or misunderstood. But all of my worries have been for naught and this transition has proven to be a very positive one. He enjoys his time away, learns new songs, does little projects, plays with new friends at recess. He hasn't gotten a single warning for behavior, though I tell him every day that it's alright if he does sometime. I joke that I want him to get a warning, because I know it's important to him to please others and I worry he'll have an emotional melt down if his is one day reprimanded. I worry about a lot of things, but he's doing just fine. It is hard to not know every detail of his life anymore, but it helps that he seems ready and happy. He gets tired of me asking him question after question about the ins and outs of his three hour absence, but I just want to know! From what I can tell, he is quiet and attentive in class, friendly but a little shy with his classmates, happy to be learning new things.

And I've enjoyed the little structure this provides. Now I'm up by seven every day, making a hearty breakfast. Kevin takes Jack to school before eight and while the youngest two sleep, I try to get a little workout in (30 day shred, anyone?). Jack is only in school for three hours, so I try to be productive around the house with the eleven o'clock pick up as my deadline. And because we're leaving the house (even if it is just to get in the car, pick up Jack and return) we all get dressed every morning. Taylor and Noah have found each other as playmates, and that wasn't really the case before school started. It's good for both of them because each of them is stubborn in his own way and I've seem them both compromise often rather than resorting to playing alone. What about Austin, you ask? He sleeps in until ten or so every day, crazy boy.

So life is going well. Just a few weeks ago I was feeling a little stagnant but dreading the shift, and here I am, all revived and really loving this new chapter.

the reason I was gone

2011-08-23T09:31:00.000-07:00

Some little hands, while trying to plug the charger into my computer, pushed hard at the wrong angle, shoving the part that connects to the charger too deep into the computer.

Time passed and I was sick of waiting so I tore the computer apart in an effort to fix it, but I couldn't get to the part easily, so I put it back together.

Time passed and we eventually remembered to take it in and find out how much it would cost to get it fixed. It was $100, which is almost as much as we paid for the computer in the first place, so we decided to try again ourselves.

Time passed and finally tonight we found the right combination of motivation and circumstance. We tore it apart again (literally, I did tear a part) and with a little help from a fork, a bobby pin and gorilla glue, we're back in business.

Much has happened in my absence. Most significantly, Kristen married Gavin! And then Jack starts school this week. And also my mom spent a heavenly week here. And I highlighted my hair. All items deserving a post of their own, with so many more potential posts in the little daily details that have filled up our summer. The break has been good, but I am sad at what will be forgotten.

I'm back, and about to start a new chapter in my life, in which our little gang no longer spends every waking moment all together. Jack will be gone for 3 hours a day, and I think it will be good. He went to his assessment yesterday. We said a prayer in the van before he went in so he wouldn't be so nervous. He did great, cutting out a circle with the greatest of care, writing his name with a backwards J, counting to 30 and beyond, quietly answering "wuh" when asked what a "W" says, and so on. When asked how many squares there were all together, he sat, saying nothing, looking at them. I knew he was counting in his head, but his sweet teacher said "can you count them? One...two..) He said "I am." sat for a moment more and then said "seven." Right. I was supposed to be filling out forms, but I was just watching, adoring that little boy. I love him, and he'll do great.

So, here we go again. I'll try not to overload you.

PS Also, I wanted to share this picture from Marlee's wedding, because I love it. If you want to see more, you can go here. I loved her photographer, he did such a great job.

pictures on a summers evening

2011-07-12T19:27:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of unfinished drafts piling up for this blog. It seems the only ones I actually finish lately are those with few words and many pictures. I'm sorry to say that this one is no different. I played around with my other lense tonight as I hung out with my boys in the backyard. It all ended when I was taking Adams picture and noticed a mosquito circling aroung his cheek.

If I were a mosquito, that's where I'd strike too...look at those chubs.

adam finds his tongue

2011-07-11T14:05:00.000-07:00

I broke my camera a few weeks ago. It was in my stroller, which was folded in the back of our van. Forgetting it was there, I pulled my stroller out and just dropped it onto our driveway, because I had Adam in my other arm and its was a little heavy. When I opened up the stroller and found my camera, the screen was black with a few multi-colored streaks across it. It still works, I just can't see the pictures until I upload them. This created a problem today because I took a bunch of pictures on an unknown setting without realizing it. I switched it and got a few on auto before the moment passed. When I uploaded them, they were just black. I lightened them up and found these. Adam is really into his tongue lately and I think it's probably the cutest tongue ever.

also on this upload, I found these two pictures from the few days before Marlee's wedding:

{the girls}

{the boys}

{the end}

read this

2011-06-13T13:47:00.000-07:00

I have sort of dropped off blogland lately. All is well, just full of other things. But I had a spare minute today and caught up on some reading, and I wanted to share a post with you.

I've never met Lori, she is a friend of friends, but she fast became one of my heros. Her husband has brain cancer and recently took a turn for the worse. This beautiful post amazes me. All of her posts amaze me. She amazes me.

She is full of faith and truth and all that is real in this life. Maybe someday we'll meet, I hope so. But until then, I'll keep learning from her inspiring example.

conversation with Tays

2011-06-11T21:25:00.000-07:00

Tay: dad, I know a new game.
Kev: oh, yeah?
Tays: you wanna know what it's called?
Kevin: yeah.
Tay: it's called chicken. I thought it was called bock but it's called chicken.
Me: what do you do with chicken?
Tays: um, you put it in a farm?
Me: no, sorry, I meant how do you play chicken?
Tays: uh...someone bees a chicken, I mean a bock, and we guess what color the bock is, then he runs and a grabs a leaf, then we all run after the bock and if we touch them we're still the bock and then we play again.

5, 4, 3, 2, 0

2011-05-26T14:12:00.000-07:00

Jack turns 6 in a few weeks. We went to his school last friday so he could meet his teacher and see his classroom. He clung tightly to my hand and hardly said a word. When we were back in the car he confided that he was very nervous. I sat in the back and held him and quizzed him from the list they gave us. The one about what your kindergartener should know. He can do everything except tie his shoes. We hadn't thought to teach him that yet. These little boys. They're growning up. I think it's making me extra sentimental, both in life and in my writings.

We all went to the bread store and then to walmart to get milk today. The boys were very good, all things considered. We were lucky enough to score one of the kid carts (not easy here in utah) and I rewarded their good behavior with some mini iced brownies off the bakery clearance cart. They were SO excited.

Before we left I took some pictures of them, because it's a rare day when everyone is dressed and clean at the same time. They're growing so fast.

Adam at 4.5 months

Austy at 2.18 years

Noah at 3.66 years

Tays at 4.85 years

Jack at 5.97 years

(are you as shocked as I am that Mr. Goose has stayed around? He puts up with a lot, that cat)
for example:

I just love these boys=)

Our weekend

2011-05-25T22:22:00.000-07:00

I haven't been very good about writing lately and that's a shame because there are many things I would hope to have recorded about my life right now. I haven't been as on the ball with picture taking either, which is also a shame because I have some pretty cute little boys who are often doing cute or funny things.

I feel like I'm just now breathing after the weekend. Kevin had to take a big test for work yesterday. I should preface this by saying that our life right now hasn't allowed much time for quiet study. I think I mentioned that Kevin started his own financial firm a few months back. Overall, things have gone very smoothly but there have been a lot of hurdles to get over. This test was a big one of those, but he couldn't dedicate many working hours to it because of all of the other things he has going on there. Here at home, we're adjusting to five and keeping our heads above water. Needless to say, when he gets home there's not a lot of alone time that he can dedicate to studying until after the boys are in bed, which is also the only time we have to just breath and hang out together. He's had a lot on his plate and I've been very impressed with how he's managed to balance things.

All that being said ,when he went to bed on Monday night after studying for a few hours, I didn't have a lot of hope that he would pass. It was a big test, covering a lot of specific, nitty-gritty information and he seemed less than confident. He studied all day on Tuesday, reviewing all of the chapters he had read and by the time he left to take the test, he thought there may be a chance he'd pass. Not passing would mean the loss of a percentage of commissions until he did pass, and he is not allowed to take the test again for 30 days. We sent up a lot of prayers, including Jack's blessing at dinner when he said "and bless dad that he can ask all of the questions right on his test." I think Heavenly Father understood what he meant. And, miraculously, Kevin passed! Shakes for everyone! It was great news and I'm relieved to be done with it. He called this morning to say there's another test deadline in a month that he had already paid the fee for long ago. If he doesn't take it by June 30, we'll have to pay $650 for him to take it later...back in the saddle so soon? Okay. I don't love it, but okay.

The truth is, even with the stress of the test, we had a really wonderful weekend. Abbie babysat on Friday and we went out to dinner with Luke and Marlee. I went yardsaling with Marlee on Saturday morning, finding some clothes for the boys, a $5 couch that is better than the one we have, and a new "rat-a-tat cat" game. I taught Jack and Taylor how to play and we've been playing many times daily ever since. It's a quick little game and I've found that I can get them to do a little chore in between games while I shuffle and deal. "pick up all of the toys in the family room while I get it set up, then we'll play again!" And they're off, racing to get it done so we can get back to playing the game.

On Saturday evening the boys were antsy, so we decided to go up the canyon to bridal veil falls. Mikelle and Mitchell met us there and we had a great time. We had a little picnic of rolls with ham and provolone cheese, a bag of chips, and, most importantly, squeeze its to drink. Austin sat by me when we were at the waterfall, throwing rocks into the water. He's such a good little companion these days, when he's willing to stay nearby. I was worried it would be too cold, but apart from a few moments when a cloud would drift in front of the sun, the weather was perfect.

Unexpected good weather seemed to be a theme this weekend. After church we decided to go up to Salt Lake to the Church History Museum and walk around temple square. It rained as we drove and we had to run from the car to the museum to avoid getting drenched. The boys had a great time in the children's section of the museum when we were done, the sky was blue, making for a beautiful afternoon walk around the temple. Because it had been raining all day not many people were out and it was easy to keep track of all of the boys.

When we got home Kev went home teaching and I found myself alone with the boys for a few hours. We usually have my sisters over on Sundays, or go to Kevin's parents for dinner sometimes. This was the first Sunday in quite a while without anyone else and it was peaceful. We went to the backyard and I gave the boys various assignments, "I want 10 yellow dandelions and 10 poofy ones." "Now I need seventeen sticks..." They'd scatter and bring me fistfulls of whatever I'd requested as I swung on the hammock. A boy would join me from time to time, then get motivated to gather again when he'd see his brothers' offerings.

Sadly, Adam woke up and rolled off the couch and I rushed in to find him traumatized by the event. Once in my arms he continuted to cry - stopping for a moment, then remembering how horrible it was, he'd start up again. I felt awful and took him to the hammock. He calmed down and nestled into the blankets with me as we rocked together, he'd inhale deeply and quickly from time to time, as children do when getting over a hard cry. His round little body in a bundle in the nook of my arm, little boys popping over to us with one of 35 long weeds I'd assigned them to find then dashing off for another. Good, good moments.

I'd promised the boys a walk when Kevin got home, but by the time he arrived the sky was promising rain. And rain it did, and thunder, and lightning, and hail. Not good walking weather. Instead we sat in the garage (on our old couch), and watched the storm while under blankets and drank hot chocolate. We ventured out of the garage a few times, but it was really cold rain and the hail stones were big enough to hurt, so it didn't last long. The storm itself didn't last long and was over within 15 minutes. And then it was bedtime.

And I want to post this before my computer dies because it's late and I'm too lazy to track down the power cord.

Adam's Blessing

2011-05-17T11:30:00.000-07:00

Kevin blessed Adam in church last Sunday, making him officially

Adam Peter Larson

He was perfect and made not a peep while in the hands of his father, uncles, grandfather, and friends.

The blessing was beautiful and I scribbled down as much as I could. I asked Kevin later in the day if he had any particularly strong impressions about this little boy during the blessing. He said he felt strongly that Adam will be an example and will be a force in bringing others to Christ. He does have a unique spirit and I feel very blessed to be his mama and have the opportunity to watch his life unfold. No doubt he will be amazing. I wish we'd been able to get pictures with everyone. It was a wonderfully busy Mother's day.

with aunt Kristen

with Abbie

with Aunt Mikelle

looking a little nervous with Abbie, Mitchell, Mikelle, Gavin, Kristen

with Grandpa Larson

with Grandma Larson

with me and Kevin...worn out after a long day.

I love my little Adam. He is really such a sweet, sweet baby. He's 4 months old now and oh, how time flies! I can hardly stand it. If I think about it late at night, how fleeting these days are, I just about cry. (I blame that part on sleep deprivation.) But I love these little boys who are mine, all mine, and with Jack going to school this fall, the end is in sight. The days of selfishly hoarding their days are about to come to an end and I'll have to share them with the world for way too many hours everyday.

This morning Kev and I "tossed" Adam back and forth saying "ready, setty, woo!" This is a game we've played with all of our boys and Adam loved it. He even laughed, and he's not much of a laugher. My little baby, already big enough to enjoy ready, setty, woo...too fast! His chubby thighs just about kill me and I squish them at least 75 times a day. He doesn't love to be tickled and lets out a combination of squeels and wails when I try it.

It is raining here and the boys are begging me to let them go out and "splish and splash" aka play in puddles, then put things in the gutter, and ultimately end up swimming in the gutter themselves. I've seen how this goes down many times before=)

have a good rainy day. we're hoping for some thunder.

The most important lesson I learned from my mother is...

2011-05-06T11:23:00.000-07:00

I feel like the one that impacts my life the most right now is that children are really enjoyable. She taught me to love my babies and appreciate this phase of life when I'm surrounded by little ones. She taught this to me in simple ways and small doses as I was growing up, and has been my expert mentor since I joined the ranks of motherhood myself. I love to call her and share little things my boys have said or done. We'll laugh at the days that go horribly wrong. She'll encourage me and joy over my little successes. She taught by example how to be the driving force for togetherness and fun in my little family. She reminds me that this role that seems a little menial at times is my greatest work, that it is sacred, that it is what this life is really all about. She tells me often of the things I'm doing right, especially when I feel discouraged. She taught me by word and deed to see the my children in the best light, allowing me to love this life of mine day after day. Most of the happiness I find in my life, the simple joys found in the trenches of motherhood, I learned from my mother.

I hope you have a wonderful Mother's Day. We'll be blessing Adam.

It seems like an appropriate way to celebrate the day=)

a little talk with Adam

2011-05-04T16:25:00.000-07:00

there's an odd sort of quiet going on in my home right now...especially for this hour. Austin is sleeping in his crib, taking an extra long nap. Noah is asleep on the couch, having refused his own bed two hours ago and conking out while watching the berenstain bears. Taylor is asleep in my bed, sick, sick, sick with a fever and mouth sores. Jack is in the backyard, trying to woo Mr. Goose into going along with some sort of fort idea. Adam is beside me, sucking on his little fingers and giving me an enthusiastic little dialogue each time I glance his way.

see:

yes, it's low quality and it's a little quiet, but you get the idea. =)

normally this time of day is really hectic, and on a day when kevin is working later than usual, this is a much needed change of pace.

now, if I can just get dinner made before things get crazy again...

goodness

2011-05-02T10:05:00.000-07:00

In church yesterday, a woman I admire made a comment that I can't stop thinking about. She something like: "you know how some people are said to leave a wake of disaster wherever they go? Well, I think there are other people who leave a wake of goodness, and I want to be like that." To this I say "me too!" I feel like I am surrounded by such people, those who look for the good in others and make them feel loved and happy, who jump at the opportunity to serve. I want to be such a person too. I'll be working on that, so if I'm ever snotty to any of you, please remind me of this post, will you?

We had our Easter egg hunt on Saturday. In keeping with Nelson tradition, we did it the weekend after Easter. This means we get to focus on the Savior on the real Easter, and get candy at a discounted price for the hunt. It works out well. We didn't get any pictures of the actual hunt, which we had to do indoors this year due to the weather. But here are the boys right after, showing off their...Halloween buckets...full of Easter loot.

(and if you happen to notice the condition of Taylor's pajama pants, just pretend that's how they're supposed to look, alright?)

Jack has determined that the trumpet is his favorite instrument and wants a real one. When Gavin was over yesterday he told us he had played in high school, and somehow the boys took that and ran with it. Before we knew it, Gavin was leading the boys in a band, nice man:

they all took it very seriously. The funniest was when we heard Gavin say "it's called the 'think system'..." from the other room, reminding me that it's been far too long since I watched The Music Man.

and last, these pictures were in the mix of my most recently uploaded.

The boys playing Don't Eat Pete with cheese puffs and broken bits of candy.

Do all little children love making piles of blankets and cushions? I think I have yet to meet one who doesn't.

jumperoo!

2011-04-29T10:19:00.000-07:00

Today we pulled the jumperoo up from the basement, to the delight of all the boys. They laughed at the sight of Adam "standing" and Adam seemed to enjoy it, though I think it was slightly overwhelming for him.

have a great weekend!

ps. mom, look! he sucks the same fingers I did...cute!

sweet redemption

2011-04-27T15:05:00.000-07:00

All the pent up productivity of yesterday spilled over into today and I did something I'm ashamed to admit I haven't done in a long while. I got out of bed before any of my boys woke up. I was blessed with energy, aided by the fact that Adam slept well last night. No doubt this was because he hardly slept a wink during the day. So all things worked together for my good. As I cleaned my kitchen I kept sending up prayers of thanks, especially valuing the uninterrupted time after yesterday.

As the 3 older boys woke up , I made french toast and filled them til they could eat no more. Adam woke up, ate, then fell right back to sleep. I recruited the boys to be on my clean team. They earned points (the store is still going strong, a happy surprise) and were all determined to get the biggest prize which cost 25 points. It went like this:

dressed and combed - 3 points
family room - 3 points
jungle (living room) - 4 points
dining room - 3 points
kitchen -3 points
playroom - 5 points
behavior - 4 points

giving us a grand total of 25, just what they needed. I made a big deal about each completed task and they kept going for almost 3 hours. Adam slept on and on, then woke up, ate, and then sat contentedly in whatever room I was working on until we were all done.

And now here I am, where I wanted to be yesterday. We still have some work to do, but we'll see how the rest of the day goes. I've been thinking about this post from Christina yesterday and I relate. My example is micro while hers is macro. There is certainly a "give over" (as my mom calls it) that makes motherhood both challenging and awesome. Our well-laid plans are given up, or put on hold, and our lives are not just our own. In the process, we become better and our lives are made much more meaningful. It's a great plan, isn't it?

unrelated funny things:

Taylor was wearing sweat pants, attempting to get them off and said to me:
"Mom, I can't take off my pants! Always when they're made out of fluff, I can't take them off when they're made out of fluff."

We were driving in the rain and Noah wanted the window open. We opened it for a minute and Jack said he wanted it shut. When Noah protested, Jack tried reasoning with him. He said:
"But Noah, the rain is so cold. Rain is made out of space, and space is so so cold."

nothing to show

2011-04-26T21:24:00.000-07:00

Today was a day full of nothing.

I was ambitious, hoping to tackle my much neglected bedroom, catch up on laundry, organize the toy closet, clean the kitchen, prepare for my webelos den meeting, and make dinner before Kevin got home.

But no. Adam (who is usually the most easy going baby) just wanted me all day. He just didn't want to sleep, didn't want to swing, he just wanted to be in my arms. And so I begrudgingly shifted gears. I fought it, because I feel oh so behind on cleaning. I tried time and again to get him to go along with my plan, but nothing worked and my house is still in shambles.

And here he is now. My baby. The one who ruined my day. And I don't know why I'm tearing up as I type this...stop it. Alright. I just love this little boy. And I think that happens when you sacrifice for someone, even a little someone. I had to let things go undone all day, half-finished jobs, cringing when my doorbell rang and my neighbor caught me covered in spit up, the contents of my toy closet spewed all over my living room, greeting my husband with nothing to show for the hours he spent away, going to webelos pretty unprepared, making pancakes for dinner (for the 2nd time in the past 2 weeks...), and now sitting here exhausted. I add all of that up and it makes sense that I'd feel a little resentful, but somehow, I'm filled with love. so. much. love. for this little squish.

and now I'm going to go to bed.

in my messy room.

and that's alright by me.

some big news and some everyday news

2011-04-22T08:39:00.000-07:00

Marlee is getting married in June.

To Luke Bangerter

They are both graduating from BYU today

It all started when she told him to stop flirting and just ask her out already.

and the rest will be their family history=)

I've sort of started calling Adam "patch"

because the name Adam doesn't really have any natural nicknames

(addy, maybe?)

and because he has a dry patch of skin on his cheek

I put vaseline on it and it gets a little better

But it keeps coming back

(and I find it endearing)

My older boys have been pretty creative lately

Jack made these while watching "how to train your dragon":

And this one he just made the other day for fun ( I love it)

Jack has always been pretty artistic.

Tays has been surprising me lately with his art:

{duck talking to giraffe.}

he told me that the duck is in the water and the giraffe is standing rigt by the water so they can hear eachother.

{horse going over 2 mountains}

{rake with leaves}

Austin is funny. If ever I am reading a book to one of his brothers, even if I am already holding Adam, he'll climb up, step on anyone who is in his way, and plop right on my lap. Kevin captured one such moment yesterday:

I do love that boy, even if he does have an inflated sense of entitlement when it comes to my lap.

(funny: after posting this, I got up and realized I needed to call Mikelle, but couldn't find the phone. I knew I'd just seen it somewhere around the couch and tore the thing apart looking with no success...then it dawned on me that it was in the picture above...still searching:)

funny boys

2011-04-20T13:03:00.000-07:00

Oh the funny things I am bound to forget...

Noah:

Mom! Ramen and pancakes rhyme! 'Cus they both use forks!

Tays (after finding a bag of craisins in the pantry):

Mom, are these raisins?

Me: No, they're like raisins, but they're called craisins, they're made from cranberries.

Tays: they don't taste like crayons, they taste super yummy!

(self portrait)

Jack:

Well, Noah and me were talking and we said that we want to follow Satan.

proof of life

2011-04-18T08:56:00.000-07:00

I know this blog has been dead for a while now...
but we're alive and well.

See:

Great times at the Larson home.

I haven't the brain power to write a clever post at the moment, but just know that we're here, we're happy, and we're feeling guilty for all that we're not posting.

(Well, at least I feel guilty about it. The boys' only interest in this blog comes in the form of swimming fish at the very bottom.)

I still need to write about my Austy, who turned 2 last month...

not to mention little Adam, who is already over 3 months old...

and Swimmy, who passed away 2 weeks ago, poor fish.

All these milestones going unrecorded...guilt, guilt, guilt. I'll do better. =)

getting the point

2011-03-30T12:13:00.000-07:00

Well, it's that time again...

On Sunday we didn't go to church because our boys all have snotty noses. This made for a long day. We don't watch TV on Sunday, we don't play outside, we don't play games, wrestle, or do rowdy things. We watch Sunday movies, draw, eat, go for walks or drives, sleep, read, visit...usually my sisters come over. But for five little boys (well, four...Adam isn't complaining) this makes for a difficult day. Take church out of the picture and thats even more time at home. We try to keep things happy, and in general we really do enjoy the day. But this past Sunday was not so great. Our boys would not listen or obey. They kept fighting over everything. Jack kept storming away, sad and angry, over one thing or another. They kept going outside and both Kevin and I yelled more than once.

Once they were in bed, we discussed the need for a change. We already knew behavior was not great, but that day had made our need for intervention painfully clear. So...we came up with the point game. It's nothing new...just another form of the crack-down. It's funny because the last time we did this sort of thing was a 2.5 months after Austin was born...now here we are, 2.5 months after Adam. Coincidence? I'm sure not. I really think these first few months after having a baby are uniquely rough on us, all of us. There is so much good going on, that sometimes it's hard to put my finger on where things are slipping, but they inevitabley are. I'm learning to expect some pretty difficult times as we all adjust. Desperate times call for...fun measures.

This time they can earn "points" (corn kernals) by listening and saying "sure" or "okay" the first time they are asked to do something, or if I see them do something nice without my asking. They lose a point if they don't listen right away or do something naughty that they know they shouldn't do.

Each night after dinner, we have a little store where they can spend their points:

Now that we're on day 3, they wake up excited to earn points and they know that the loss of a point isn't fun. I know, I know...I'm bribing my boys with candy. But I have no guilt over this. It's working. Bad habits are going away and they're learning to tune in the first time and say "sure!" Taylor kept coming back to me again and again this morning saying "what can I do to earn another point?" happily complying with my every request.

Maybe we'll get to a place where we can get them to do the right things for the right reasons,

but for where we are right now, I say this is win-win.

fewer words, more pictures

2011-03-28T13:15:00.000-07:00

my camera finally met up with my computer today, so here are a bunch of pictures of things that have taken place in the last few weeks:

We got a cat. His name is Mr. Goose.

Jack named him, but then later decided he didn't really like the name. Kevin and I liked it, so we compromised and gave him his original first name back. So his name is Lucky Goose. The boys call him Lucky (when they're not calling him just "kitty") and Kev and I call him Mr. Goose. He was free and is an outdoor cat...technically. The boys let him in often and play with him until he can't take anymore and runs to the door and meows until I let him out again. He runs away, but always comes back. They love him a lot and I'm glad I took your advice and got him. I did find Jack trying to tie him in his pillowcase the other day because he didn't want Mr. Goose to run away again. It's made for some good teaching opportunities, like "we don't trap or accidentally suffocate things we love." It's nice that they can learn these important lessons at a young age.

The boys LOVE playing outside and on "warm" days I can't keep them in. Lately they've taken to bug hunting and making "soups" out of mud and grass.

The only pictures I took on our trip...

And lots of Adam:

with me...

with Kristen...

fresh out of the bath...

with Noah...

and this morning...

looking a bit like a bobble head doll:)

{the end}

a long post about a short trip

2011-03-25T14:43:00.000-07:00

This post is long and without pictures. I read a little essay about recording the details of your life and I'm afraid I've taken it too much to heart in my writing of this post...as I wrote it I kept thinking "no one will want to read all of this." So I just wrote it for me, including all of the little things I'll want to remember.

We hadn't really planned on taking a trip, but it seemed like the right thing to do. My mom and bother Seth had spring break. My dad and four youngest siblings hadn't yet met Adam. Work was busy for Kevin, but he was able to reschedule things and make it work. We left on Wednesday night and stayed in a hotel in Dillon, Montana. It was so nice to be able to break up the 13 hour drive, but I didn't get much sleep. Austin had fallen asleep in the car for a few hours and was excited about the new place, so while Kevin the other boys slept away, Austin good-naturedly poked my face every time I closed my eyes for over three hours. I was too tired to do anything about it until 4:30 when I woke up Kevin who got some milk from the front desk and made him a bottle. He finally fell asleep at 4:45.

When we woke up at 8, I felt surprisingly well-rested and ready to hit the road again. Road trips are not as hard as they used to be. This is partly due to our breaking up the trip, but that isn't the only reason. Although we have more boys, most of them are past the really hard ages.  We've had many semi-miserable road tips with our little boys in the last 5 years.  We tried to make it easier by driving through the night, but sleeping in a carseat isn't especially comfortable, so the boys woke up cranky and often. Just as I'd get one settled, another would wake up. The night turned into a blur of climbing back and forth, and we'd arrive in Washington totally worn out. When it was time to go home, we'd usually stay until the last possible minute and end up arriving in Salt Lake at around 4 am.  For us, driving through the night is NOT the way to go and I'm glad we've finally figured that out.

Austin had the hardest time this trip, but even he was really pretty awesome. The trouble with traveling this time of year is that it's too cold to make stops for the boys to run around. We did make gas stops, but they were short.  Adam was a little champ, sleeping for long stretches and fussing only when he was hungry or needed a fresh diaper. The three older boys have their carseats/booster seats crammed in the back seat. Even in such close quarters they got along well. There were a few times when Tays fell asleep and his sleeping head slowly inched down until he was between Jack's back and the seat. I'd move him to the other side with a pillow, but within a half hour he'd be back behind Jack. Jack thought it was hilarious. One down side of having all of the bigger boys in the back was that it was difficult to get treats or snacks to them. After throwing about 10 jolly joes without a successful catch, I finally came up with putting them in a sock before tossing them back. This revolutionized our treat distribution, as I could toss back several at a time and not have to have great aim. The boys loved it.

The prize for the best little town along the way goes to Anaconda, Montana. I have no idea why they would name a dinky town in the middle of nowhere Montana - Anaconda. We had driven by the sign more times than I can count, but this trip we were desperate for gas so we ventured the 5 or so miles off the freeway (not knowing it would be that far). Although unplanned, I loved that little stop. We brought all of the boys into the gas station for a bathroom break, to stretch their legs a little, and to let them pick out a treat.  And it was as if we'd walked into a wonderland of people who adore children. Everyone who saw us took the time to say something nice about our family, give me a big smile, to chat with the boys who were feeling a little sheepish at all of the attention. Doors were held, heads were patted. The cashier handed each boy his candy after ringing it up, complimenting their choices and asking them where they were headed.  Noah excitedly answered "we're going to gwamma Jane's house!" "in Washington," added Jack. The cashier seemed thrilled to hear it and wished us a happy trip. As we were leaving, there was a car parked just outside the door and the old man waiting inside it waved to us, then opened his door (despite the frigid wind) and said "that's a fine crew of boys you've got there!" So nice. And not the reaction we usually get when we go somewhere as a family. It seems to me that most people don't really love little children who aren't their own, and some seem almost annoyed that we have so many. It's not something that really bothers me, but the contrast we found in Anaconda was very refreshing.

We arrived in Washington in the afternoon and although it was cold and muddy this time of year, it was so nice to turn up that familiar driveway in the woods. We went almost immediately to Seth's soccer game. Marielle and Peter stayed home and played with the boys. Marielle is 12, Peter is 9 and our boys love them, often proclaiming "peter is my favorite uncle and Marielle is my favorite Auntie!" That love is well-earned. My two youngest siblings have spent countless hours entertaining their nephews, trampoline jumping, picnic making, woods venturing, movie watching, etc. When Peter met Adam, he whipped out a picture of him and told me he'd carried it in his pocket since Adam was born and my mom confirmed that it was true:)The soccer game was at the high school and my dad met us there. He met Adam for the first time and the long trip was well worth it. My dad is a very adoring grandpa and he oooed and ahhed over his newest grandson. The game was disappointing, Seth's team isn't very good this year. Brian is on JV and Kevin and my dad went over to watch that game. Seth lost, Brian won.

That night the boys all went to watch the BYU game with a friend, then came home and we played games. We play a lot of games when we go to Washington.  Yahtzee, ticket to ride, settlers, and oh heck were all played, some many, many times.  Both Kevin and I love to play games and as lame as it may sound, the hours we spend around the kitchen table with whoever is available to play always come up when we're driving home and talking about what we loved the most about the trip.

Another highlight for me was shopping with my mom while Kevin stayed home with ALL of the boys. We're not typical shoppers. I think I can count on one hand the number of times I've gone to the mall with my mom. Instead we drove all the way across town to go to Volunteers of America, our favorite thrift store. There was a sign for an estate sale along the way, so we went to that too. It's always a little odd to walk though the house of someone who is no longer alive, selecting items to buy. I can't help imagining the woman who once used the rolling pin that I am now purchasing for fifty cents, her little dishes that are now going for 25 cents a piece.  We bought a handful of things, purchased some hot chocolate from what I assume were the woman's grandchildren, and went on to thrift store. I found a few items for Kevin, a handful of shirts for me, candy land, and a sleeping bag.  On the way home we got rice bowls, just like old times. It made me miss my grandma and Aunt Susan, they really should have been there for such an outing.

Mom watched the boys so Kevin and I could go with Seth, Brian, and my dad to watch the BYU/Gonzaga game with a family in my home ward. They were gonzaga fans, so that was a little awkward...but we won and it was a great game. While we were gone my mom led the boys in a dance party, a game of hide and seek, and several rounds of don't eat pete. Noah doesn't like don't eat pete, it's stressful to him, so my mom just gave him a handful of M&Ms and he was as happy as a clam...funny boy.

Sunday was stake conference (a semi-annual church conference where several congregations meet together for a 2 hour meeting) and it took a lot to keep all of the boys fairly quiet for the 2 hours. Taylor is not incapable of whispering, but he is incapable of processing and complying with my request to have him whisper until he's finished the thought he is currently trying to express.  Toward the end, Kevin was out with Austin and Jack (Jack needed a drink of water) and Noah and Tays began to suddenly melt down in unison. My mom handed me two butterscotch lifesavers (very approriately named, I must say) and we were able to make it through the final stretch without incident. In the afternoon I got a long nap and in the evening the Wilsons came over for dessert.

On Monday we did some laundry, packed, and played games with Seth and my mom until late afternoon, then loaded up, said our goodbyes, and drove and drove. We had planned on staying in Dillon again, but by the time we reached Deer Lodge, about an hour north of Dillon, we were ready to stop. We all slept much better than before and were on the road again by about 9:30. We stopped in Idaho Falls for gas and lunch and made it just in time for my webelos den meeting at 4:30.

And now we're home, playing candy land again and again, and dreaming of June when we'll see everyone again.

back to december

2011-03-23T09:30:00.000-07:00

So much to say...We have been in Washington for a visit, and I'll write more about that tomorrow. Today I will be unpacking, doing laundry, and listening to this song Kristen (my sister) just recorded. Listen to it. It really is so beautiful and soothing.

the good

2011-03-09T16:47:00.000-08:00

All is not chaos and disaster at my house, just in case I've given the wrong impression lately:) Most days I get more than my fair share of the really good things life has to offer.

Like down comforters, playdough, and darling little boys who generally love eachother.

There are hard days, and sometimes it seems easier to post about those because it provides for me a sort of camaraderie, a support group, someone else who will laugh with me about it.

When I post the good, I worry a little about sounding unreal, like all is well in my world. The truth is, sometimes all is well in my world, if only to me. I love my life way more often than I don't. Even on messy days, the mess doesn't really overshadow all that is going well. I probably cut myself too much slack in that department. Occasionally I'll have a "perfect storm day" where lack of sleep, cranky boys, naughtiness, and messiness all combine to make me feel like calling it quits before the end of the day. Add in an illness and I'm ready to call it quits before I even start:) But those really are rare.
Most days are good. Many are really good*.

*disclaimer:When I write about the good, please assume that you can add in an unmentioned messy kitchen, mud smeared all over my sliding glass door, 3 fights, and one really needy child to the mix and probably be right on the money. When I write about the bad, assume you can add 60 minutes of relative peace for every one minute of chaos and you'd probably have an accurate picture. In either scenario, you can assume I'm in my pajamas or sweats unless I specifically mention leaving the house.

do I just wave the white flag now?

2011-03-08T12:44:00.000-08:00

So, you know how sometimes life just gets out of control? We had one such moment this morning. I was feeding Adam and the boys were playing in the other room. Upon finishing up, I realized the things my boys were saying indicated that I may be in for a mess. Words like "oh, that's gross!" and "let's put some of this in!" were coming from the kitchen. I could pretty much predict what I was going to find:

"poison drinks for bad guys."

The three older boys have taken to creating gross little concoctions (using in this case old bread, water, salt, pepper, cereal, and dish soap) and though I've said NEVER AGAIN twice before, the message obviously isn't getting through to them. I put the cups on the counter, then heard Austin calling for me from upstairs. I ignored the messy floor and headed up.

I found Austin covered in Kevin's new hair stuff. He pointed to show me what he had done: covered the floor and vacuum in the stuff as well. great.

I took him downstairs and started a bath. Noah wanted a bath too, because his hands and feet were covered in salt. I got them in, then went to Adam who was fussing. He's had a blow out. At least I already had a bath ready. I quickly bathed him and took him out to get him dressed again. Austin followed, though I had not yet washed him off and was telling him to return to the bath. Instead he wet on the floor and continued to follow. Trying to focus on one thing at a time, I decided to just dress Adam, then corral Austin back to the bath.

A minute later I heard Jack say, "Taylor, come on, we're decorating Austin!" Oh boy...

I turned the corner to find this: (sorry about lack of clothes. Like I said, they were supposed to be in the bath)

ha ha ha! It's going to be one of those days...

at least I can count on Adam staying where I put him:)

Any ideas about the best way to get that junk out of my carpet??

feeling down on yourself?

2011-03-04T14:42:00.000-08:00

This is my house right now:

feel better?

you're welcome.

happy friday

an outing gone right

2011-02-28T21:13:00.000-08:00

This weekend wasn't as productive as I might have hoped and I didn't get nearly enough sleep. Adam has a stuffy nose and slept even worse than normal. However, Saturday morning offered the perfect opportunity for sledding. We hadn't been at all this winter. It was quite the ordeal to get everyone bundled and when we stepped outside I had second thoughts about the outing...it was COLD and the boys were arguing in the van. I could just picture cranky, freezing boys whining as they trudged up the hill, wimpering after a few times down, crying as we loaded them back in the car, then dealing with all of the sopping clothing when we got home. Many outings that have started out better have ended up fairly disasterously. But, like always, we just hoped for the best and carried on.

Good choice.

The hour that followed proved to be one of those miracles that happen from time to time. The hill was perfect, just enough snow for a good ride, but not enough to make climbing back up too difficult for little legs.

The snow was also perfect packing snow and we eventually abandoned our sleds in favor of making a snowman. As the boys were creating trails in the snow, gradually building impressive boulders, I held little Adam. He was bundled in a snow suit and wrapped in a blanket, sleeping peacefully through it all. It was a perfect moment. They don't happen often. Great moments happen almost daily, if I'm really trying to see them. But perfect moments, those are special. A beautiful day (not too cold, as I worried it would be), a park all to ourselves, four giddy little boys, one darling sleeping baby, and an adorable husband who was loving it at least as much as I was. I love my life. I just can't help myself sometimes.

It felt like a gift, that hour in the snow. Much of the time we're doing all we can to just keep everything going alright, to minimize the fighting, whining, crying. To be happy, or at least stay neutral. And then out of the blue, when we all really needed it, came this effortless hour of pure joy and satisfaction.

The cheap gloves protecting little fingers weren't doing a very good job, and as we stepped back to admire our lovely snowman, Austin was ready to be done. The other boys needed to be convinced that returning home was a good idea but the promise of hot chocolate did the trick and our outing came to a peaceful end.

...and then BYU beat SDSU (jumping to #3!) and all was right in the world.

fresh air

2011-02-23T15:31:00.000-08:00

Some good weather yesterday left my boys unable to resist the outdoors. After months of almost constant home confinement, I'd all but forgotten what we were missing. The boys ran up and down the sidewalk, laughing at the simple pleasure of it, filling their lungs with the fresh air.

And before long (because they're boys) they turned their attention to the dirt and collected seven worms and one centipede. They also dug up the dafodils that were waiting just below the surface, but buried them back up when I told them what they were. Jack had thought they were beans. Tays thought they were worms. They played for hours.

It's almost March! This winter has flown by for me, though I've lived in Utah long enough to know how fickle the weather can be. I think we got snow in May last year...but we'll take the warm days as they come. I can't wait for they day when we can pull out the sandals again.

Yesterday we went to the library and each boy picked out a book. Kevin read them all last night as I was feeding Adam. It's not an easy task to read to four boys at once. When I do it, it seems one is always complaining about not being able to see the pictures but Kev managed to keep everyone happy.

great dad. nice little boys. good day.

It's monday, I'm in love

2011-02-21T10:22:00.000-08:00

Christina (you may know her from her wonderful blog) took these for me on Friday.

Such a treasure, I can't even tell you. He was very wiggley, but she managed to get some beautiful pictures:

My mom made this quilt for Adam:

Don't you love this shot?

His fuzzy hair is lightening up, as you can see. It was inevitable, I'm afraid.

I think there is nothing like pictures of one's child to stir up feelings of love, gratitude, satisfaction.

I am so very grateful for this little baby. He is six weeks old and has seemed to transition overnight from newborn to baby. Digestion no longer seems to be such a trying ordeal, sleep seems to have fallen into more predicatable (though not ideal) patterns, and a new awareness has seemed to take hold. We're getting little glimpses of smiles, longer periods of peaceful contentment, new levels of eye contact. I'm just crazy for him. We all are really. He is my easiest baby so far and what a happy surprise that is. My mom's fifth baby (Marlee) was colicky and I half expected Adam to be the same.

From his birth, Adam has had a soft, intoxicating personality. As determined as we were to be happy, no matter what, he seems equally determined to be completely lovable. As it turn out, we're both getting our way.

Thank you again Chistina! See her wonderful photography website here.

the cat with an update

2011-02-17T11:53:00.000-08:00

I am not a cat person, but my boys are crazy about all animals. Recently we left some chicken on our back porch. There wasn't room in our upstairs freezer and I didn't have time (well, motivation may have been what I was really lacking) to trim it and put it in bags for the downstairs freezer, so we set it out in the snow. When I went to get it later, it was frozen to the cement. I decided Kevin should be the one to chip it out and forgot about it. The next night, some cats got into it. We wouldn't be eating it after that, so I continued to ignore the problem and a week later it was all gone. Now we have a cat who has been hanging out in our yard for the past 2 days (and nights). Jack named him Scamper after Scamper the penguin because he's also black and white. I've insisted that we are NOT bonding with this cat, but the boys can't help themselves and even Kevin took pity on him and gave him a bowl of milk last night. He is a nice cat, but I really hope he returns to his family soon. The good weather combined with the presence of this fluffy friend made the boys unable to stay indoors all morning.

(Pretty impressive how Noah can balance the binoculars like that, right?)

Jack was genuine in his love and enthusiasm for the kitty*.

Taylor just wanted to be in the picture, snotty nose and all.

It was pretty cold, so this is the solution they came up with. The idea of coats didn't seem to even cross their minds.

*if this cat looks familiar to any of you, please let me know. =)

Post Edit: After posting this I got an email from a friend in my neighborhood who had a flyer left on her door last week telling of a missing black and white cat. (thanks Kim!) The family had just moved in and then their cat disappeared. She'd already thrown out the flyer, but remembered a general address. I sent Kevin out tonight with the mission of locating that family and after four wrong houses, he was directed to the right one. They were thrilled! The cat had been missing for 2 and a half weeks and they were giving up hope. I'm convinced my chicken fiasco was meant to be and that poor, lost cat is alive today because of my lack of motivation. Isn't that nice? :)

Jack is pretty sad at the loss of his pet. He'd gone out to the shed and held it for hours both yesterday and today. The vague whim he previously had toward pet ownership seems to now be the sole desire of his heart. I love it. and I hate it. He was so sweet with Scamper (Kevin didn't find out his real name). I'm not sure what to do, so I really hope he goes back to not caring too much because I'm not sure how long I can resist his teary pleas. I just love his tender little heart and after reading the first quote from this post the other day, I'm very torn on the subject. Any thoughts?

smiling and huddling

2011-02-15T08:56:00.000-08:00

Kevin and I have been all smiles since Adam's birth. We've been smiling at eachother more these past few weeks than ever before. I don't think we smiled this much even when we were dating or as newlyweds (not that we weren't happy, mind you). It's funny, because although we're thrilled about Adam, I think we both know that's not why we're so outwardly chipper. We've never actually discussed this, so I can't be sure where he's coming from, but here's my theory:
We smile because we're determined to be happy right now.

We wake up from a long night. We both know perfectly well that we're exhausted. We both know perfectly well that a long day awaits us (we both know perfectly well that my long day will most likely be harder than his), and what is there to do? If I smile, he smiles. If he smiles, I smile. It's like an unspoken law around here. It seems natural to complain, but what's the point?

After Austin was born, life was not easy. I don't mean to imply that we were unhappy or that it was a bleak time at all. It was just a hard adjustment. Not because it was Austin, he has always been wonderful, but because it was our fourth and we reached a new level of chaos. It took some time to adjust and feel in control of life again. In gearing up for Adam's birth, neither of us knew how another addition would impact the delicate balance of family happiness. Of course we were excited, but there were many unknown factors (how each of the boys would respond, how my recovery would go, how busy work would be for Kevin, the temperament of the baby, what sleep would be like, if (when) illnesses would hit this winter...). So I think we, in an effort to deal well with whatever may come, put on grins as soon as Adam came with a determination to keep them there no matter what. And things are better that we could have hoped for. Really. This adjustment to five has been the easiest transition so far. Adam is sweet (and SO cute), the boys all love him, Kev is busy with work, but in a good way, I'm recovering just fine, sleep isn't great but we never really expected it to be, and aside from runny/stuffy noses, we've all stayed healthy so far (knock on wood).

Also, I no longer feel guilty for all that is not getting done in my life, which has really put a damper on my mood in the past. One great thing about having my fifth child is that I know the cycle really well. I know what to expect of myself and when to expect it. I've learned what works for me and how to make that work out in the best interest of my family. Right now we're in the huddle phase. Much of my time is spent sitting on the couch with my baby and the boys huddle around me. Soon, Adam will nap better and I'll feel better and we'll be in the "get back to normal" phase. But until then, I take advantage of whatever the day brings. If I have more energy and Adam sleeps, I'll clean the kitchen top to bottom, and if I'm dead tired or Adam is more needy, I just try be a nice mom and make sure the boys don't starve to death. Kevin is supportive of me, understanding and helpful. And so far, we've all managed to remain happy.

To my left:

To my right:

In my arms:

on TV:

Huddle time at it's finest.

Photo Update

2011-02-02T10:31:00.000-08:00

These are from when my mom was here. She entertained the boys forever by finding various sounds on the computer. Often the sound wouldn't be quite what they expected, and that made for roars of laughter. Such a good grandma...she certainly knows what makes little boys happy.

Adam loves baths. LOVES them. And Kevin will always put a towel in the dryer so it will be warm when it's time to get him. We joked last night that the worst times Adam has had to endure are the split seconds between bath and towel. It's a hard-knock life, isn't it, Adam?

Adam, week 1:

(my camera was out of battery for week 2)

Adam week 3:

Taylor loves babies.

In a very hands-on,

face to face,

can't get enough,

sincere sort of way.

And finally, I've saved the best for last.

My amazing friend Brynn made these little overalls for Adam:

I love them!

They do make Adam look more grown up, and I'm not sure how I feel about that...he needs to stay little.

But what a gift! Thank you so much Brynn. You are so wonderful.

the post that took me a week to complete.

2011-01-27T10:11:00.000-08:00

I have to admit that I have had my moments of panic at the prospect of the days ahead. The idea of five boys five and under seemed intimidating, but after Adam was born, it started to seem daunting. In that first week when I was receiving constant support, I genuinely questioned my ability to go it alone in the days, weeks, months of the future. One additional adult seemed to keep things balanced and my optimism leading up to the birth was starting to give way to doubt. Even an incredibly sweet baby takes a lot of time. I remember after Jack was born I struggled to get anything else done, and he was my only responsibility! Of course, I've grown a lot since then and the idea of caring for a new baby is not intimidating as it once was. But I'm very aware of the strain that sleeplessness can bring and I really began to worry.

After my first week back to real life, I'm regaining some confidence. I feel pretty much recovered and it's very nice to not be pregnant. Austin had some mouth sores that kept him up a lot for the first few nights and made him very cranky, but he's healthy now, thank goodness. Adam has been confused about night and day and I do wake up tired. We're just taking it easy, trying to loosely maintain order while adjusting to this fun new dynamic.

Kevin has been so great, certainly looking out for my needs over his own. One thing I love about Kevin is his love of our new babies. I think I've mentioned this before, but Kevin wasn't exactly crazy about kids before we got married. He had never changed a diaper and showed only mild interest in his nieces and nephews. He loved them, he just wasn't great with children. Still, we knew we wanted a big family and I had no doubt his kindness and sense of humor would translate into good things when it came time for fatherhood.

Turns out, he's better than I could have predicted. Put a new baby in his arms and he seems to radiate happiness. I was bathing Adam last night in the sink in our laundry room. Adam loves baths and looks around serenely as his dark hair sways with the movement of the water. (I wash it too often because I love how he looks with freshly washed, fluffy hair...I'm a little vain about his hair, actually.) Kevin walked by as I was doing this and stopped in his tracks to marvel over our new little fellow. I love that he does that. In addition to adoring the baby, Kevin has taken over the laundry and he lets me sleep whenever possible. So nice.

My mind is having a little trouble adjusting to the number five. I keep getting confused. When getting the boys dressed, I keep going to Noah's drawer to find clothes for Austin, since Austin isn't the littlest anymore. Of course Austin is the same size as he was before Adam came, but I keep doing that. I packed a diaper bag without a binky or a diaper for Austin because Noah is potty trained and no longer needs a binky...I just forgot about Austy, poor boy. I'll be dishing up dinner for the boys and I have to remind myself that I still need to dish up four plates. I tend to think I only need 3 now, since Adam doesn't eat food. But of course I still have four boys who do eat. I keep thinking of Austin as either Noah or Adam. Is that horrible to admit? Also, I feel like I can't keep track of who is where in my mind without real effort. I'm used to four. My radar can track four without any trouble and without even really thinking, but add one immobile baby and I'm just can't keep track anymore. I have to count, consciously think of each boy individually and figure out his location.

This can be blamed partly on the lack of sleep, I think. I'm afraid I've entered into the lowest level of brain activity in the last few days...at least I can hope that it doesn't get any lower than this because I'm barely making sense as it is. My sensitivity level is high and after 10 pm I could cry over just about anything. Fortunately for Kevin, I now recognize my own instability as well as it's source and don't take it seriously. I can reel my emotions back in and know to get myself to bed as quickly as possible.

There are downsides, but overall I feel like I'm living a dream. Not a dream in which all is going blissfully well and only sweet words are spoken. But a very unique, almost unreal life. Five little boys, five and under, all at home with me all day. These brothers who will always have each other, these boys who are all mine right now, though not for long. So, yes, it is challanging and draining and exhausting at times. But I love my life. I feel that over these past 5 and a half years, one boy at a time, I've stumbled upon the secret to real satisfaction in life and feel so very blessed.

The birth story

2011-01-19T22:15:00.000-08:00

It was Saturday afternoon and Kristen was over. Classes hadn't started for her yet and her boyfriend Gavin wasn't flying in until Saturday evening. Noah and Austin were napping and Kristen was happy to watch the boys while Kevin and I went to Walmart. I hate Walmart, but it was a good one-stop to get everything on our list. Mostly we were gearing up for while I'd be in the hospital and were buying splurgy items that would make things go more smoothly for the boys. Crackers, cookies, string cheese, pretzels, candy, etc. I was having contractions here and there, but nothing serious at all.

At 4:30 we headed home. We saw a tree that was completely covered in ice, with Christmas lights frozen inside. It was pretty awesome and we decided we'd take the boys to see it, pick up some dinner, get a movie and have a laid back night. The trouble started when we got home. Kristen left to pick up Gavin. I started feeling some slightly stronger contractions and opted to stay home while Kevin took the boys on our planned evening. I thought that if I took it easy, perhaps things would die down. Not so much. My contractions were getting stronger, and there was nothing I could do about it.

My sisters were all planning to get together that night, go to dinner in Salt Lake or something. When I called (which I hated to do) they were all happy to change plans and come to my house instead, just in case the strong contractions continued. I started scrambling, packing a bag and getting things ready for my sisters to come. Kevin returned with a Cafe Rio pork burrito, black beans, mild sauce, enchilada style. We ate and got the boys to bed...and the contractions died down. I wasn't sure whether to be relieved or annoyed. My sisters arrived, I told them it was probably a false alarm and they were all cheerfully understanding. We played a few games, laughed a lot, and I didn't have any more strong contractions. Hmmm. Still, I asked Mikelle if she would mind staying until morning, just in case. She didn't mind.

We went to bed, but I didn't really sleep much as the contractions sortof continued, though nothing consistent. It was all a little blurry until 12:20. That is when I had my first really painful contraction and thought this must really be it. But I didn't have another contraction until 12:37, and the next didn't come until 12:49. But they really hurt, so I woke up Kevin and told him that we were going to the hospital. Even if they sent me home, at least I may get a shot of morphine and be able to sleep.

But then I stood up, and the contractions came a steady 3 minutes apart. Hard, strong, awful contractions. I threw the last few things in my bag, pulled on my old boots, woke up Mikelle and let her know we were leaving (Kristen had stayed as well, I guess because of the snow storm) and we were off to the hospital. The storm kept us from going very fast, and I was dying. My contractions were now 2 minutes apart, lasting a long time, and killing me. Kevin was on the phone with the hospital, letting them know we were coming and giving them all of my information. I clung to the handle above my door, breathing, cringing, trying to find a happy place in my mind. It wasn't working. As a new contraction would start up I'd start getting vocal about how the doctor needed to be there when we arrived, and the anesthesiologist would also need to be ready, how we were going so slow, how this was NOT false labor...Poor Kevin was on the phone with the hospital, trying to answer their questions, drive in the snow and track down our doctor's number. It took us about 25 minutes to get there.

I was between contractions when we arrived. As we approached the desk, I felt the next one coming on so I leaned on the desk as Kevin answered questions. I didn't want to look overly dramatic, but I was in pain. I was trying to remain calm. But within seconds of arriving at the desk, my water broke. This had never happened to me before. The nurse wheeled me to a room and I quickly changed into a gown. She checked me at I was at a 9.5-10. Yes, I still wanted something for the pain. I hate pain. My doctor was on his way, the anesthesiologist should be there shortly. I'm not a screamer, so I clung to the bed and just tried to endure the steady contractions. The nurse asked me if I felt the urge to push. I didn't know, I just felt the urge to not feel anything. Finally, the anesthesiologist arrived and suggested a "spinal". He said it is very effective, it just doesn't last as long as an epidural. That sounded just perfect to me. He said he'd give it to me after my next contraction subsided.

Then the doctor arrived. The nurse asked if I still wanted the spinal, or if I just wanted to push and get it over with. I wasn't sure. My other boys have come with very little pushing, like one or two pushes. The nurse said she thought I'd go fast this time too. The doctor was ready. The anesthesiologist was ready. I figured I could endure another few minutes of pain, so I opted to just do it. But this was not a one push baby. I pushed for about 10 minutes, which doesn't sound like a lot, but as someone who is used to one quick push with an epidural, it seemed like a very long time. I wondered what was wrong, why it was taking so much longer this time. I expected each push to be my last, but he just wasn't coming and I was in serious pain. I know I've used the word pain a lot in this post, sorry. Before I started pushing the doctor used the term "ring of fire" to describe the final, most painful moments before the baby came. I felt like I was in that ring of fire for a good five minutes. What I didn't know until after he was born was that the baby was posterior, which explains the difficulty in getting him out.

But then, finally, the doctor announced we were done and there he was, my pink little baby with a head full of fuzzy brown hair. And the pain was over.

From the time I rolled out of bed until the time he was born, only an hour had passed. What an hour! And had he not been posterior, the nurse said I would have been lucky to make it to the hospital, so that was a blessing, I suppose. A painful blessing. (I promise, that's the last time I'll say painful in this post.)

And, oh, how I love my little Adam. He is so sweet and I can hardly believe what a dream he is. He seems to have an inner peace that permeates his whole little body. I can't get enough. And "cute" doesn't seem to do him justice. He is just so perfect. I know all mothers feel this way, but I really think he is the most adorable baby on earth and he just seems to get better every day. His brothers are all crazy about him, though for some that love came more quickly than for others. At the hospital Kaevin asked Jack if he loved our new baby. Jack responded "Not really. But I do like him." He wasn't too fond of the name we picked either and at first vowed that he would not call him Adam. He has since warmed up to both the brother and the name

Five is a lot of little boys. My mom came from Thursday night to Monday and before that I always had a sister or Kevin home with me. For the past 2 days it's just been me and the boys, trying out this new arrangement of ours. We're just taking it easy and the playroom has proved to be the best investment we've ever made. So far, so good. I feel very blessed. Very tired, but very, very blessed.

He's Here!

2011-01-10T20:21:00.000-08:00

Adam Peter Larson

7 lb. 9 oz.

20 inches

Born January 9 at 1:57 am.

It was my craziest (most painful) delivery yet, by far.

details to come soon...

Until then, here are a few more pictures=)

We are OH so happy!

4 days more

2011-01-07T08:28:00.000-08:00

So, life has been a little crazy. We found out just before the end of the year that we had been misinformed about what our insurance options would be at the beginning of the year. As it turns out, had our baby been born in 2010, it would have cost us about $200. Under the new plan, our out of pocket cost will now be about $3000, assuming all goes well. Okay. Fortunately, we've built up a bit of savings, so okay.

BUT, another wrench in our plans, the hospital where my doctor delivers is not in the network of the new plan so I could no longer continue going to him for the final weeks of my pregnancy. At first, I wanted to cry. Not that I particularly LOVE my doctor (I mean...he's good and all) but here I am in the eleventh hour, ready to deliver any day, and what would I do if my baby came before I was able to arrange for someone else? Where would I go? As someone who likes to have every loose end tied up before a new baby comes, who has typically delivered about 2 weeks early, this was distressing.

I called the new hospital, got some names of doctors who delivered there, then just called the first one on the list. At this point, I am not picky. I have done this enough times to know that my deliveries are pretty straight forward, and it doesn't take anyone spectacular to pull off a successful result. I scheduled an appointment with whoever could see me soonest, put Kevin on the assignment of getting insurance and past records info to the new office, and felt much better. As long as we paid the doctor's bill prior to delivery, we could count on him being there if I went into labor if it should happen before I ever actually met him. Once that was paid, I found my ability to deal with life in a calm manner again.

As it turned out, I was able to meet the new doctor yesterday. He was great and I feel even better about all of it. I'm dialated to a 4 and scheduled to be induced (assuming the hospital has room for me, and I don't deliver before then) on Tuesday. After many contraction-filled nights, it's really nice to have the end scheduled. I was induced with Noah, and it went very smoothly. Now, I'm actually just hoping I last that long. My mom comes next Thursday, Marlee doesn't have classes on Tuesdays, and I like the idea of 1/11/11 as a birthday...but my body seems anxious and we'll just have to see. I'm trying to be as lazy as I can, so as not to disrupt the plan. It would be nice to have the weekend to set up the bed, finish getting the Christmas stuff put away, wash the littlest baby clothes and get them put away, stock up on groceries, sleep, sleep, sleep.

So, I'll keep you informed. All very exciting=) Now I have to get back to trying to maintain a sedentary lifestyle for the next four days...as much as possible in a house with four small boys. But here comes another contraction...breathing. breathing. 1/7/11 isn't such a bad date, right?

It will give him a good excuse to love slurpees.

tired days, but still good

2010-12-28T20:49:00.000-08:00

I haven't been able to sleep well for the past 3 days, seems like the worst sort of injustice one could inflict on me right now. Overall, this little phase, this final stretch of pregnancy, has seemed better than ever. I've been caught up in Christmas preparations so I haven't been anxiously awaiting labor, as I was with my last 2 boys. Also, my sisters are up in Washington for another week, so I don't know what I'd do if he came in the middle of the night until they're back. This is all good. It helps me stay patient.

But then I stopped sleeping. I wake up around 2 and can't sleep until 6:30 or so and I'm exhausted. I don't want to be exhausted yet. I know it's coming, but can't I have just a few more nights of semi-peaceful slumber? To wake up for a baby is one thing, but for nothing? To make matters worse, my eyes are puffy. I hate it when my eyes get puffy. At this point, pretty much all of me is puffy...and now my eyes too? Injustice, I tell you.

Well, enough of that. There are many good things happening around here. Austin is so adoreable right now. Seriously. On Christmas morning, after gifts and excitement, he came and found me on the lovesac and stayed there with me for 20 minutes. So sweet.

He's also won Kevin over again, after they had a little falling out a while ago. Austin was pretty snotty to Kevin for a while, hitting him and refusing to go to him, etc. But now he is thrilled to see Kevin when he comes home each night and seems to prefer him over me much of the time. I love this picture:

They pretty much adore eachother.

And Austy is talking now. Suddenly his language skills boomed and his brothers think it's hilarious. Tonight I helped him say our family prayer, he would repeat whatever word I said last and the other boys would all crack up into gails of laughter. I love it. As I type this, Austy is sitting next to me, pointing to the pictures and saying "mommy!" "daddy!" "Au-tin!" "book!" He really is delightful. Sometimes he wakes up a little cranky, but he warms up quickly, though he does love to say "do way!" (go away) "no, no, no!" and "dopit!" (stop it) when his brothers (or his mom) make him mad. Funny boy.

And overall, things are just great. The boys are loving the playroom. For weeks before Christmas, Kevin and I were counting down the days and it has been all that we hoped. They do fight every now and then, but most of the time when they're down there, we just hear happy playing. If they do fight, I have them come upstairs and set the timer for 5 minutes. When the time is up, they can go back down and play. So far, it's been working well.

Now, if I can just sleep tonight, all will be right in my world.

The Finished Playroom!

2010-12-27T16:23:00.000-08:00

This swing was quite the project. We hung it just about 6 inches off the ground so Austin can climb on by himself and so that it won't conk anyone in the face. Even with lots of padding (4 pillows and a blanket covered in a couch cushion cover) it packs a punch at full swing. Fortunatly, we haven't had any injuries so far...just lots and lots of enjoyment. It is hand's down the favorite part of the playroom right now.

Our awesome neighbors gave us thier old spring horse, which only added to the spendid magic on Christmas morning. I say old, but it is in perfect condition and the boys LOVE it. (see jack's initial reaction below).

We bought this at IKEA, hoping it would be the same height as the table. It worked! By using this space for our toy storage as well as stairs, we were able to add the horse without crowding up the room.

We didn't get around to getting the ship wheel up on the wall yet, darn it. But the boys still love the slide. The treasure chest below houses their dress up clothes, guns, swords, etc.

We finished painting the little kitchen, though decided to junk the fridge that came with it. It was bulky and falling apart, and the boys really don't seem to mind at all. I'm surprised at how much they've played with it.

This is the space under the stairs. Just a soft place for watching movies. They have been far too busy with everything else to use this yet, but I'm sure it will get some good use in the future.

And the blocks...we actually ended up buying 2 sets because I found one last minute for $30 and I am really glad I did. We built Noah's Ark yesterday and used all of them. The boys also used them to make a maze for their hexbugs (a gift from Grandma and Grandpa Larson) and that was so fun.

It all made for an amazing Christmas morning...not to mention a very peaceful environement upstairs while Austin is napping. I love it, love it.

thoughts about christmas...

2010-12-09T14:40:00.000-08:00

With the baby coming a few weeks after Christmas, I'm afraid we'll be even more home bound than ever for the rest of the winter, and my rough and tumble boys need a place to climb and jump and swing and build and play. I need a place to send them when they begin getting crazy, as little boys do.

So, our thoughts for the playroom are getting exciting. Here are our rough plans:

We have an old tall table that we're using as a platform for a play structure. We're attaching another tabletop to the side as a slide with our love sack at the bottom. We did this last time the room was used as a playroom, and the boys loved it. They jumped off the table onto the lovesack. We're attaching one of these to the wall to make it more adventurous:

We're refinishing an old wooden kitchen set we found at a yard sale over the summer. We're going to a thrift store to pick up pots and pans, utensils, etc...we're not buying much fake food. The boys don't really play with it and it gets all over the place.

We are splurging on this set of blocks:

We're excited to attempt building a swing like this:

only with more padding, I think.

We have a train table and set that has been unused for months because we haven't had a good place to put it. I'm exited to get it out again so they'll have a good place not only for trains but the blocks too.

I'm making capes for each of them and putting together a dress-up box that we'll store under the table.

We have a TV/VCR combo and lots of disney movies, so we're making a soft place under the stairs for quiet time.

I'm getting a few new dinosaurs for Tays (all he has asked for is a triceratops), still searching for just the right little things for the other boys. We'll move all of their current toys down there too. I'm feeling really excited about everything...hopefully we can get it all done in time=)

forever and just today

2010-12-08T21:56:00.000-08:00

Parenthood is a deep responsibility. Of course it is, this is not a new thought. But every now and then it dawns on me what it is that I am doing here as a mother in the world today, what it is that I'm attempting to accomplish and I feel the weight of it. I think about the years to come, the values to be instilled, the teaching of every important thing that must take place, the foundation that must be set in just the right way, the relationships that need to be nurtured, the introduction to the world that will forever shape their views of things both temporal and spiritual.

Some days I feel successful, other days I feel like an utter failure. Sometimes it's moment to moment. I feel like I'm constantly going back to the drawing board, coming up with new schemes to modify behavior, not just the boys' behavior but mine too. It's a constant recommitment and something that is on my mind almost every night and every morning as I review the day (sometimes in despair, sometimes with satisfaction) and as I kneel in the morning, asking for help to be better, no matter what the day brings. I gear myself up for whatever moods I may meet as my boys wake up. Some days I get discouraged easily and those usually turn out badly unless I can regain my vision. Some days I feel great and can handle just about anything, but the ups and downs of it all keep me from feeling too great about myself for very long=). Just because I respond well to the roll of toilet paper that has been unrolled and stuffed in the toilet, it doesn't mean I'll be proud of my response to the next fiasco.  We'll have a wonderful stretch of time where it seems like I have everything figured out and the boys are thriving, then we'll transition into a new phase and I feel lost, discouraged, and the idea of these boys turning out well seems less likely.

I think we're not meant to think about the future too much.  It is better to let go of expectations, of projections, of far searching looks in the direction of the unknown. It is better to live one day at a time, with faith that the little things I do each day will all add up and good things will come. There are so many factors we can't predict as mothers. Like I have don't even have any idea if I will sleep a solid 8 hours tonight or if I'll be up 5 times. I can feed all of my boys well, go through a good routine, and tuck them in soundly at a good hour. I can do all that I can, but it could really go either way. The way I respond is all I can control. That I can choose. If I can't with confidence predict the next 12 hours of my life, why trouble myself with five, ten, twenty years down the road?

But every day matters, I'm sure of that.  Sprinkled in to the living that goes on in this house are lessons, taught again and again in so many ways. I'm not going to lie...sometimes it seems so daunting and sometimes it can seem so monotonous, the thought of doing this all day every day for the next 20+ years. But then I just think about today, what it is that we're doing today. Taylor drew a pear today, carefully cut it out, and presented it to me and for the first time, I knew exactly what he had created without having him explain it to me. Jack sounded out the word "up" his first word ever. Noah almost made it all day without an accident. Austin laid by me on the couch for almost an hour watching Caillou and the Berenstain Bears when I wasn't feeling up to doing anything else, and he was just calm...it was heaven. We said both morning and evening family prayers and ate all of our meals at the table together. We read a book about Jesus' birth and had a fairly calm bedtime. Austin didn't wake up within an hour of being put to bed, as he has often done lately. I made it through the day without yelling and had a great conversation with my mom. Kev and I played a board game together and we are getting to bed before eleven.

And although I can't see how it will all add up, I have to believe that even this small day will matter in the long run.

haul out the holly...

2010-12-03T23:25:00.000-08:00

It appears that today will be the day that we decorate the house for Christmas. Kevin lugged up the tree and the boxes before he left for work. After a long night, I'm SO tired, but the boys are so excited and have already unloaded all of the boxes, hanging stockings from light switches and doorknobs and grouping santas with sheep and wisemen, Mary with reindeer, on tables throughout the house. They strung beads all over our bathroom (from the towel hanger, to the toilet paper holder, up over the shower rod, and round and round again) and hung ornaments on the faucet and toilet flusher. It is all very exciting. Even though I'm stuggling to keep my eyes open, I can't help but catch the Christmas spirit.

I still have this picture...and can't decide what to do with it. Even I can't look at it now without feeling a little uneasy about santa.

the talented Nelson sisters...

2010-12-01T16:14:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty much devoid of any real talent. It wasn't for lack of effort on the part of my mother. Over the years I took lessons of many sorts, participated in a few different sports, and was in many choirs. But, I emerged from high school without much to show for any of it. Fortunately, I still managed to find a man who would marry such a woman and found my real talent in my ability to have lots of babies. Just kidding.

But in all seriousness, I feel the most average of any of my siblings. I mean, we've all got our strengths and don't worry, I'm not really insecure about the fact that mine are less obvious than everyone else's.

Today I'd like to highlight Mikelle and Kristen, just to prove my point.

Kristen_Nelson-_Paris (1).mp3

Kristen_Nelson-I'll stop.mp3

See what I mean? Amazing.

And Mikelle brought her portfolio up on Monday so we could photograph it for her application to the illustration program at BYU...here is just a small sample:

And just when envy or insecurity starts to creep in, as it does from time to time when I'm subjected to such gaudy displays of pure creativity and talent that are far beyond my own abilities, my self-preserving mind will whisper "Oh yeah? well...so what... look what you made":

(a grubby ornery little boy...times 4)

and I sortof feel better.

trouble with bearings

2010-11-30T14:03:00.000-08:00

The other day as we were driving home from a reception, Jack asked "mom, what are bearings?" I asked him to repeat himself, then to make sure I'd heard him right I asked, "bearings?" Yes. I realized that the CD we had on was telling the story of Goldilocks and the three bears, and wondered if he'd heard it on that. "What did it say?" I asked. "It said she finally found her bearings," he replied. Oh. I tried to explain as best I could what it meant to find ones bearings. Something like "it means you figure out where you are. You see something familiar (then realizing he probably doesn't know the word "familiar")...something that you know where it is...um...like if you were in the woods at Grandma Jane's house, and you saw the shop, you would know you were close to the house. Or when we drive home, and you see the happy trail, you know you're close to our house." Content with this explaination, Jack went back to listening to the CD.

That night, as I was tucking Taylor into bed, he was very distressed. His eyebrows were furrowed and he didn't want to lay down. I asked what was the matter. He said "mom, what if I'm in the woods and I find my bearings, but they have words on them and I don't know what they say cus I can't read them, and I'm lost!" He was almost crying. I tried again to explain that "bearings" aren't something concrete. It just means you aren't lost, that you know where you are. There is no reading involved, so no need to worry. He layed down, but still seemed uncertain that all would be well. I told him not to worry about it and we could talk more in the morning if he still had questions. {It shoule be noted that the boys always seem to find something they NEED to talk about right before I leave the room, so I'm in the habit of trying to cut conversations as short as possible, because they could go on forever. seriously. anyway...} I kissed Taylor and went downstairs.

A few minutes later, he was sobbing. I went back up and he was very upset, sitting up again, tears streaming down his chubby cheeks and worry in his eyes. "But mom," he cried loudly the moment I walked in the door, "I don't want to be all alone in the woods, because I don't know how to find my bearings! I just want you and dad and Jack and Noah and Austin to be with me always! I don't want to be by myself because I'll be lost and I'll be scared! I don't want to be alone! I don't know how to find my bearings!" Poor Tays=) I calmed him and assured him that he never had to be alone, especially in the woods, that I would always be with him. He took some deep breaths then said okay, he layed back down, sniffled a little, and we said goodnight, for real this time.

When I was sure all was well, I went donwstairs where I told Kev about it and we laughed and laughed. It is a difficult concept to explain and, to a four-year-old, a scary one to even think about. Oh, I love that little boy=)

back in the saddle

2010-11-29T09:38:00.000-08:00

My old laptop had become impossible. It overheated every five minutes, then I'd have to wait for it to cool down, take ten minutes to get it sarted up again. It wasn't worth it to even bother anymore so I took a break from it. And as much as shopping on Black Friday is just about the perfect version of my worst nightmare, Kevin went out at midnight. Rather than stand in the cold for six hours (and it is freezing here in Utah), he offered two high school boys who were standing in line at Office Depot $20 if they'd get a voucher for us. They were more than happy to and Kevin came home and slept until 5:30.

So here I am, typing away on a cheap but new laptop and it feels like heaven. I'm sitting on my couch, because this this laptop is wireless enabled and I'm no longer tied to the desk near the drafty window. Life is looking good at this moment. I'm out of the blogging habit, and have barely read anything online in the last 3 weeks. I've missed this. I've missed you. Now with such easy access at my fingertips and no threat of sudden shut-downs, I don't even know where to start.

As a quick blanket statement catch-up, I'll just say that things are great. I'm getting huge and have a feeling that these last 7 weeks will go by pretty quickly, with Christmas fast approaching and so much to get done. I haven't even thought of gifts for the boys yet...and yes, I know how bad that makes me sound. They love playing in our basement lately. We started converting one room into a playroom about a year ago, and that was great. But soon after that it became a bedroom while Kristen, Mikelle, and Abbie were staying with us. Now it's just a room with an odd collection of things and I want to restore it to it's original purpose, only better than before. Maybe that, along with a few new things, will be their Christmas this year.

I love the innocence of Christmas with my undemanding boys. I want it to be wonderful in their minds, as every mother does, but I hope to keep things simple (gift-wise) for as long as possible. Soon they'll have friends who will ask them what they're hoping for for Christmas, who will be happy to plant grand ideas in their minds. They'll look through the catalogs and know for months in advance what to ask for. So far this year, they're just excited about the lights that are appearing on the houses in our neighborhood. A few weeks ago, when our neighbor put up his lights, the boys lugged blankets out to the porch and sat watching them in the cold for ten minutes before I insisted it was time for bed. I never knew a simple string of blue lights that doesn't even blink could be so thrilling to watch, but I love that they think so. After thanksgiving dinner this year, Tays immediately said "are we going to put up Christmas lights now?" When I told him it was too dark and we'd have to wait he said "but we had Thanksgiving already!" He's excited to get the show on the road and I love to hear it.

As catch-up posts go, I feel like this one hardly scratches the surface of all I'd like to record...but it's a start and good enough for now. I'll try to post daily again, like I did once upon a time. I like this blog better when it is a daily snapshot of my life rather than a less-personal overview. So, same time tomorrow? =)

It starts with one.

2010-11-04T10:36:00.000-07:00

One little boy wakes up last. He is not happy, but a morning bath can fix that.

The morning light on his soft hair leave his mother with no choice but to get the camera.

Which sparks the curiosity of brothers, who one by one come to discover the warm retreat.

And then there were two.

and then there were three.

and finally, four.

It does get a little crowded...but personal space is overrated, I say.

Happy Halloween=)

2010-11-02T12:48:00.000-07:00

primary program, sickness, and camping

2010-10-28T14:22:00.000-07:00

Sunday was the Primary Program at church. Noah and Austin were both sick, so Kristen and Gavin were nice enough to come down and watch them so Kevin and I could go watch the other boys. Oh, we loved it.

Tays is in the youngest class and rather than having them sit up on the stand, they had them sit on the front row of the benches, then stand on the bench and turn around when it was time to sing. That boy. He didn't sing a word. He just smiled and swayed to the music. Kevin and I couldn't stop laughing at him, funny kid. He looked so cute in his little brown corduroy sport coat and purple tie, grinning with a hint of mischief in his eyes. He liked being there, in front of everyone. He's usually very low key in public, but when he's the center of attention, he doesn't shy away from it. He takes on this funny, self-aware attitude. It's difficult to try to capture it in just words. I begged Kevin to take a picture with his phone, but he said it would be inappropriate and wouldn't budge.

Jack was so handsome and said his little part "we believe in God, the eternal father and in his son, Jesus Christ" perfectly. He's really good at memorizing. He sang well for the first half, then started to get bored with it and held is face in his hands, leaning on the rail. Still, he did sing, and it was certainly an improvement over last year. It's funny how much they grow in a year.

After church, all of the sisters came for dinner. It was a stormy day and we made penne pasta with tomato basil cream sauce and this bread (though I don't use quite that much butter on mine! A cube per half loaf, are you kidding me? try it though, it's so easy and GOOD.) My sisters told of all their latest adventures, and aside from the sick children, it was a perfect evening.

Just before dinner, Jack asked for a piece of bread and I obliged. I asked Tays if he wanted some too, knowing he would. But he didn't, and that is when I knew something was wrong. He asked to lie down. I made a spot for him on the couch and he promptly fell asleep. At 5:30. He woke up shortly after to throw up. Aww, man.

After saying goodbye to my sisters, Kevin and I geared up for a long night. Kev put plastic garbage bags under all of the boys sheets. Fortunately, the boys were exhausted and went to bed easily. Before going to bed for the night, we folded a load of laundry, and started a load full of blankets and clothes that had been thrown up on during the day. Before heading upstairs, we loaded our arms with sippy cups, tylenol, febreze, wet wipes, diapers, towels, extra binkies, spare pajamas and underwear for each boy, and a throw up pan. I made a little bed next to mine. Before we even went to bed, Noah woke up and threw up all over his pajamas. We were prepared and he was back in bed in 5 minutes. We then went to bed ourselves, with little hope of any real sleep, though I prayed for some. Mostly I prayed that Austin wouldn't throw up in the night. Being sick is hard, and I hate when babies have to go through it. They are unable to tell you what they want and just seem so miserable. I was prepared to be up all night (not excited, but resigned), but just hoped he'd feel okay enough to sleep.

Aside from a few minor interruptions, the night went smoothly. Noah was the only one who threw up, and it wasn't too bad. Jack and Taylor slept all night. Austin woke up a few times, but went back to bed easily, and that is really the miracle of the week...the sleep we've managed to get in spite of three boys battling with this cursed illness. I honestly think the diarrhea is the worst part of it. My sisters inform me that it is gross how openly moms talk about such things, so I'll leave it at that. I do think we're finally on the mend, though poor Noah has probably lost five pounds, and he didn't have that much to spare.

And because this post is so wordy and a little gross, I'll try to redeem it by sharing these pictures from our camping trip from a few weeks ago. We went with our friends, the Egglestons. They called Thursday morning to invite us, and that night we were roasting hot dogs over a fire. Have you ever been on the Nebo Loop? If not, do it sometime.

Sophie and Emma, or is it Emma and Sophie.

I asked Jack if he knew and he said "no, cuz they're just twins and they have the same clothes."

I'm not sure if there is anything I love more than watching my boys playing out in nature.

It was such a beautiful day.

Taylor found a laminated paper out in the field that said "boil water before drinking" and it became their map.

Austin LOVES being outside and exploring. He doesn't intentionally run off, he just wanders from one interesting thing to the next, and before we know it, he'll be out of sight...again.

It didn't really help that we dressed him in a camouflage shirt=)

Kevin, the faithful driver, taking us down the canyon. The views were incredible.

We took the long way home, around Utah lake, so we could go on the "bumpy road" that our boys love. October may not seem like the ideal time for camping, but we loved it.

And finally, good news! I just took apart my laptop and found a rat-a-tat-cat playing card inside it, explaining why it kept overheating=) Those naughty, naughty boys...but it is gone now and I am far less frustrated by this old machine.

12 hours

2010-10-22T09:29:00.000-07:00

8:06 - Marlee calls to say she & Brittany (roommate) have to come up my way anyway and want to stop by to watch a few episodes of Sister Wives on demand with me.

8:00-9:00 - Kevin and I scramble to get things cleaned up really well, because last time Brittany came by it was a mess and I needed to redeem myself.

9:00 - Marlee and Brittany arrive and we dish up ice cream.

9:00-11:20 - We chat and watch Sister Wives, Marlee and Brittany go home.

11:20- 12:45 - Kev and I get talking about how wierd polygamy is, talk, talk, talk, way too late, get ready for bed.

1:00 - Fall asleep.

2:26-2:55 - Enter Noah with the stinkiest diaper ever, change said diaper, Noah throws up all over, give him a bath (me), clean up throw up (kev...such a good man), and get things going in the laundry (us), make a bed for Noah next to mine (me), get him new jammies (kev) unintentially wake up Austin, get him a bottle, rock him for 5 minutes, put him back in bed (me,me, me, me), air out our room, febreeze, get Noah settled (kev, kev, kev) give Noah a sippy cup, binkie, give Kevin a good game for being such a good dad (me, me, me), lights out.

3:00-3:15- Throw up round 2.

4:35-3:45 - Enter Jack who had wet the bed. Clean him up, get him new jammies (Kev), change bedding (me), back to bed.

5:15-5:25 - bed wetting round two, this time with Tays. (are you kidding me??)

6:45 - Noah wakes up with the second stinkiest diaper ever, throws up, fetch another diaper (kev) change him(me), clean him up again, promise him popsicles if he'll go back to sleep, but it is no use, third stinkiest diaper ever.

7:15-8:00 - climb out of bed, make breakfast, Noah throws up, has yet another bath, enter Jack, Taylor, and Austin.

8:00 - 8:05 - groan over the massive amount of laundry to be done today, debate with Kevin if this was our worst night yet. Decide not, but probably in the top five.

my thoughts on a Wednesday night

2010-10-21T08:54:00.000-07:00

Three months to go before my fifth little son is born. Sometimes this thought is overwhelming to me and it seems almost unreal that I will be the mother of five. But here I sit with Austin as he watches Little Bear (having tucked in my other three for the night) waiting for a stinky diaper so I can put him to bed too. The baby is kicking. My thoughts go to that fuzzy baby who will soon join us.

(brand new baby Austin)

I hear Noah creeping down the stairs, then see his feet as he sits on the bottom step, waiting to be discovered and whisked up to bed, yet again. He's heard the show and reluctently enters the room and perches himself on the arm of the couch. He looks at me and grins, trying to be as charming as possible. I raise my eyebrows, but have neither the energy nor the heart to be firm right now, so he'll stay for ten minutes until the show is over.

Kevin finishes studying for the night and joins us. He too gives Noah a look, but he's a softy and says nothing, just gives me a smile and settles with Austin on the couch.

My refrigerator is covered in paintings, the most recent artistic creations of Jack and Taylor, held up by letter magnets. Four pumpkins line the center of my dining table. Those pumpkins. =)

A few weeks ago I proposed we go get some pumpkins, let each boy pick his own, pick up a few groceries, then top off the night with ice cream cones from the deli. It was a fun plan and I felt like a good mom just thinking about it. But the ONLY thing the boys remember from the night is the grocery shopping part.

While I went around with Austin, picking up tortillas and eggs, Kevin took the other boys in the car cart. From across the store, I could hear delighted screaming followed by hysterical laughter. I came around the corner to see Kevin coming my way fast, the boys wide-eyed and laughing as Kevin purposely swerved, then swerved again, just in time to miss a corner display. They scream and laugh again. He flips the cart around as he nears me and I think I've never seen three happier boys. I'll admit, it was a little horrifying to witness, but who am I to rain on a parade? And I must say, Kevin is quite skilled in the art of shopping cart nagivation, even at high speeds.  A very handy skill for a father, I think. All the way home they thanked Kevin again and again. Not for the pumpkins, not for the ice cream, but for the ride in the cart. =)

Yes, we are neck-deep in parenthood, Kevin and I. And while we're both shaking in our boots a little at the thought of five, there is always an underlying peace and excitement.  This is our life now, these thoughts of diaper changing schedules, that art on the fridge, those pumpkins on the table, the joy of everyone laughing at the same time, and that naughty little son smiling at a funny part on little bear. Or is it because he's evaded bed for twenty minutes now?

Time to get back to it, because although it's been good to just observe and reflect for a while, Noah will be a grumpy little bear tomorrow if he doesn't get some sleep.

pushing my luck

2010-10-19T12:33:00.000-07:00

After many a frustrating reboots, I have finally successfully coaxed my computer to accept half of the pictures from my camera (for the first time since July)

These are from our visit to Temple Square when Eric and Andy were in town...back in July=)

Getting them to upload to blogger is also a hurdle. It's been quite painful, slowly fetching them one by one by one. This is the third time I've had to restart and get back to this post.

so I'm calling it quits before I have to start again.

good, better, best

2010-10-11T14:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday at church we had a lesson on priorities and it really struck me that I needed to make some changes. We talked about the good things that fill our lives, sometimes edging out the better or best things. Last week my children were all but neglected during the day as my goals only involved completing chores and projects. Not this week, I told myself. This week I am going to focus on the boys. We'll get up, I'll meet their needs promptly, we'll read together, play together, work together. If not the best use of my time, at least it will be a better one.

I woke up with this attitude and a surprising amount of energy. It will be a great day. I will do only the best things, I told myself. I prayed, I made my bed, I went downstairs and made breakfast for the boys. I sat with them as they ate. This as far as the ideal day got. It soon became obvious that my neglect last week left them tired, unruly, addicted to kid's shows and not interested in my guidance. I kept up my enthusiasm, but it was four against one. And were they ever against me! With a cranky Jack as their union leader, they began loudly voicing their demands and then turning on each other. They were not to be reasoned with, negotiated with, or pleased, no matter what I did. It seemed that at any given moment there was at least one (usually more) boy screaming, crying, yelling, or whining. Over oranges and markers and spoons and shoes and water and candy corns and blankets and couch possession and everything else that came along. One especially bad moment involved me pulling a toy away from a fighting (yelling, crying)Jack and (stubborn, angry)Taylor, accidentally whacking Austin (who I was carrying around because he was flipping out over my not allowing him to put pennies in our printer) in the nose with the book that I had been trying to use to console him just moments before. Poor fellow.

And so it went, on and on, for five hours. Finally, Noah admitted how tired he was and went down for a nap. Eventually Austin gave in too. And now I can sit down and sigh.

I called Kevin and he let me vent all of the disasters of the day and I felt much better. "Let's have a great rest of the day." he encouraged when I was done. But a great day was what I was going for when all of this started, so I only committed to maintaining my sanity and not yelling anymore.

And some days, that's really the best I can do.

Its not so bad.

2010-10-07T08:40:00.000-07:00

Fall is officially here! I feel bad about writing this post last year. It isn't the Fall that I dislike, it's the Winter. And this year I've timed a baby to come right in the middle of what may have otherwise been a bleak expanse of time, relieving myself of the monotony of even that wicked season. There is much to love about the Fall, though I'm not great at really playing up the holidays and making things magical yet. It will come in time, I'm sure...that ability to create a haunted wonderland in October, a sparkling decking of the halls shortly after that.

For now, I am focusing on sweaters and the more practical task of switching out Summer clothes for warmer ones. That is one thing that can be said of the Fall, it doesn't mess around. When it's here, it's here. You can pack up clothes with a certainty that you just can't find in the Spring. I like that. I've been doing laundry like crazy, so as not to miss any shorts or outgrown items before lugging up all of the bins and making the big fall switch. With four growing boys, it's only a matter of time before I'm piling outgrown things up to be binned and going down to rummage through the bins to find something they may have grown into. But for a glorious little time, I can be all caught up. For that reason alone, the Fall deserves some love from me.

That and produce. I love produce. And the Fall brings lots of great grocery prices. We bought 25 pounds of strawberries yesterday. The girl at the checkout asked if I was making jam. I should, I told her, but I'm just not that domestic yet. This is another thing I'm sure I'll get the hang of in years to come. Someday I'll be more like my mom...someday. But for now, I'm just slicing and freezing them for smoothies and such. We've done the same with blueberries, peaches, and bananas. But our blender broke last week, so it's not doing us much good just yet. Marlee gave us her blender about a month ago. It was nicer than ours (or so we thought...) so we gave ours to Mikelle and Abbie. We used about 6 times, and it broke. I looked it up online and it got horrid reviews, even though it was a Kenmore. Anyone have a blender that they love? I really only have one requirement: it must be good for making smoothies. I would hate to have done all of that slicing in vain.

In other news, Moon and Swimmy have returned to us. When we went up to Washington...oh, two months ago, was it? Mikelle and Abbie watched over our fish for us. And then we just sort of kept forgetting to get them. I was hoping they'd...well...never return. But they're back and the boys, who never noticed they were gone, have remembered their love for the pets.

We went to the fire station last night and the boys loved it, as always. We took a picture on Kev's phone, so I'll try posting them later. This blog is so darn drab without pictures.

Gratitude month a month early

2010-10-06T14:17:00.000-07:00

This morning while I was downstairs devoting all of my energy to laundry and a meaningful phone conversation with my sister in law, Andy, the boys were upstairs taking apart their bedroom. I could hear this happening, and even popped my head in the door a few times in passing, just to make sure everyone was alright and that nothing was being damaged or written upon. They stripped all of their bedding, took down the curtains, picked everything off of the floor and loaded all of it onto Noah's bed then took the top mattresses off of Jack and Taylor's beds to be used as trampolines.

For 55 uninterrupted minutes, all four boys happily played together, minus one bump to Austy's head. He recovered quickly, though, and wanted to be right back in there. It will take me 10 minutes to set it all right again. So, I say it was worth it.

I am definitely nesting this week...finally getting things done around here. It feels GREAT, and I'm not sure how long the energy will last, but I'll ride this train as long as I can.

This morning my mom sent an email and shared this except from President Thomas S. Monson's (the current prophet of our church) recent conference talk:

"We can lift ourselves, and others as well, when we refuse to remain in the realm of negative thought and cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude. If ingratitude be numbered among the serious sins, then gratitude takes its place among the noblest of virtues. Someone has said that gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues but the parent of all others.

How can we cultivate within our hearts an attitude of gratitude? President Joseph F. Smith, sixth President of the Church, provided an answer. Said he, “The grateful man sees so much in the world to be thankful for, and with him the good outweighs the evil. Love overpowers jealousy, and light drives darkness out of his life.” He continued, “Pride destroys our gratitude and sets up selfishness in its place. How much happier we are in the presence of a grateful and loving soul, and how careful we should be to cultivate, through the medium of a prayerful life, a thankful attitude toward God and man!”

"And in nothing doth man offend God, or against none is his wrath kindled, save those who confess not his hand in all things, and obey not his commandments.'

Isn't that wonderful? She challenged us all (her children) this month to keep a record of how we've seen the Lord's hand in our lives each day, to become more aware of all of our blessings and of the ways He is guiding us from day to day. I'm really excited to get started.

Do you laugh out loud?

2010-10-05T08:01:00.000-07:00

I've never been a loud laugher. I appreciate good humor and get great satisfaction out of being around amusing people. One of Kevin's great strengths is his ability to make me laugh. By laugh I mean smile and make some sort of happy sound in the back of my throat. But I want to be a real laugher. I do. I think people who laugh like they mean it make the world a better place for themselves and those around them.

I want my children to be laughers, too. I've started hearing my own stifled sort of "laugh" coming from Jack lately, though, and when he does laugh out loud it often sounds forced. I want to teach my children to laugh like they mean it when things strike them as funny, and not be ashamed to make a joyful noise. It seems like this, as so many other things in motherhood, is something best taught by example. I need to be a good laugher.

But how does one go about getting better at laughing out loud? There is always the laughter therapy option:

But this just seems ridiculous. (but sort of fun, too=)

So instead (and this is pretty ridiculous too, actually) I've started to practice laughing around my boys. When something strikes me as funny (like a joke about a chicken who crosses a bridge then it falls and he grabs onto a blanket so he won't fall into a volcano and then a ladder comes...good one Tays) rather than smile and do my typical "laugh," I laugh out loud. "HA, HA, Ha, Ha, ha, ha!" My boys look at me in stunned amusement and I feel a little self-conscious, but then I really do start to genuinely laugh, because of their expressions and because I feel silly and they laugh with me.

And it is actually working! Lately, when Kevin says something funny, I really do laugh. Out loud! This is something I've been working on for a few weeks, though I didn't admit it to anyone. But when I brought it up to Kevin he said he really had noticed. It's really fun to see the joy on his face when he makes me laugh.

There is also a really great bi-product associated with this effort. I actually enjoy my life more. I love laughing with my boys. I love hearing an unforced burst of audible, genuine laughter come from myself. When I'm laughing, I really am happier. I know this seems like a no-brainer, but who would have thought that forced laughter could bring genuine happiness? According to Tipping Point (the book I'm currently reading and part of the reason I decided to try this) it actually can. It says:

"...if I smile and you see me and smile in response --even a microsmile that takes no more than several milliseconds-- it's not just you imitating or empathizing with me. It may also be a way that I can pass on my happiness to you. Emotion is contagious. In a way, this is intuitive. All of us have had our spirits picked up by being around somebody in a good mood. If you think about this closely, though, it's quite a radical notion. We normally think of expressions on our face as a reflection of an inner state. I feel happy, so I smile. I feel sad, so I frown. Emotion goes inside out. Emotional contagion, though, suggests that the opposite is also true. If I can make you smile, I can make you happy..."

By forcing laughter, I'm not only forming a habit that is coming increasingly more naturally, but I'm making myself and my little family happier in the process. I highly recommend it.

PS. If you live close by, the Orem Fire Station is having their annual open house tomorrow from 10-7. We've gone for the past two years and my boys love it. More information here.

Bloom Contest

2010-10-01T09:48:00.000-07:00

So...I've entered a little contest over at BLOOM and am a finalist =) Not a huge deal, I know, but it's fun to be part of it and I do love Country Living magazine, so winning would be really fun too.

Now, I'm not telling you to vote for me. I am just asking that you visit this site, look over the pictures, and let your heart guide you from there...

I think you'll know the right thing to do.

http://placetobloom.blogspot.com/2010/09/art-of-mothering-photo-contest-cast.html

welcome to the inside of my head

2010-09-30T11:42:00.000-07:00

This past month has been odd to me. On one hand, I've been feeling quite awful. My fuzzy, pregnant, tired, hormonal head has been frustrating. When I was pregnant with Austin, I honestly felt like I was going crazy some days. I determined to have that not be the case this time, and managed to get through a big chunk of time without feeling very different. Then things just got harder, as they just do sometimes. I forgot that sleep really is essential for sanity during pregnancy and was getting to bed really late, then waking up in the night with a teething Austy. My days started out tired, and that is not a good place to start. I was confused by some of Taylor's behavior and felt helpless. I was getting chubbier by the day. I got into a slump and a string of hard days ensued. I tried to get motivated, but I just wasn't feeling it at all. Keeping my head above water became my focus. Not the happiest of times. But...

Even during the tired days, the weather has been beautiful and my boys provided me with more moments of satisfaction than moments of frustration. I've had an awareness that the cloud following me around was just mine, and that outside of it my life was actually really great and the people surrounding me were the best one could ask for. Kevin was being eternally patient and the boys were content to meet me where I was (usually laying on the couch). The good is abundant in my life, and even in my less than cheerful state, I could see that and knew it would only be a matter of time...even if that amount of time added up to the remaining 3.5 months of my pregnancy.

Fortunately, it didn't last that long. After a few bad weeks, I feel back to myself. One can only live my life for so long before the happiness inevitably creeps back in and takes over I think. I'd be happier if I could upload pictures on this computer, that is still depressing...but for now, my dishwasher is cleaning my dishes, my washer is scrubbing our much neglected laundry and my counter is full of fruit.

and that is enough for me.

To Noah on Your Third Birthday...well, a little late.

2010-09-29T11:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Noah,

You turned three on Saturday. You are a brilliant little child, who still sucks on a binkie. Jack explained to you that if don't kick the habit, you will get an overbite and that mean kids will make fun of you for this once you are in school, because they are mean and don't care about being nice--this was told to him by Aunt Marielle when he was about your age and reluctant to give it up. It is time, again, for you to really let it go. It is also time for potty training, but in the midst of your birthday celebrations I decided to wait a few weeks before telling you these new expectations I have of my three year old boy.

We went to the doctor and I was surprised to learn that you are in the 50th percentile for height and weight. You seem smaller than that to me. You eat like a bird, not picky, just not much of an appetite. Jack and Taylor tower over you a bit, but you are not intimidated. You stand up for yourself and I appreciate that you are learning to negotiate or at least coherently express your frustrations over any unjust treatment you perceive. You used to just scream. But even then, although I didn't love the noise, I liked that you stood up for your little self. Now I often hear conversations like:

Jack: (wanting the car that Noah has.) Noah, do you want this scooter? It's your favorite color.
Noah: But Jack, I want to ride on this car because it's my favorite one.
Jack: But this scooter is the best one because it can go faster.
Noah: But Jack, I just don't want that one. You can use it, okay?

You are also a very good peacemaker though, and you are happy to compromise most of the time...you just don't let the bigger boys walk all over you. You are happy to play along. Yesterday while we were playing outside, you were designated as the pet reindeer. Jack put a makeshift leash on you and tied it to a tree (to a puny, low-hanging little twig, really) and you stood obediently as he made a circle of balls around your feet. He called me over to pet his reindeer, warning me not to cross or touch the circle of balls or there would be a trap that would make me bonk my head. While he listed off all of your great attributes (you were very gentle, and soft, and you never tackled humans) you took my hand and licked it gingerly, smiling and making happy "reindeer sounds." You were a fantastic reindeer.

You love french fries and root beer above all else I think. You love the color yellow. Whenever we see a yellow car, it just makes your day. You exclaim "I taw a yewoh tar! Yewoh is my favwite tahwer!" Same with yellow flowers, yellow clothes, yellow anything. I hear that yellow is your favorite color at least once a day. You have a large vocabulary, and I can always understand you, but you do say things in your own way. When we were at grandma's house I killed a bee that you were worried about. You looked at me and said "you did it mom, you daved da day." I loved it=)

You are a fantastic older brother to Austy. You love watching Little Einsteins together and you like to wrestle with eachother. You are never too rough with him, quite the contrary. You let him tackle you til his heart's content, and you just laugh and laugh. You love to laugh and rarely have cranky days, even cranky moments are rare. I don't make you take a nap anymore, but sometimes you get tired during the day. Rather than fighting it and being cranky, you just come to me and tell me you want to go to bed, and you usually do go right to sleep, then wake up happy.

You are my boy and although you hate to see me leave ever, you are learning to stay cheerful rather than cry about it. You still love to cuddle with me. Often you'll climb in with me in the early hours of the morning and fall back to sleep right beside me. When you look at me, nothing but pure love comes from those eyes. May it always be so.

You are smart and very charming, everyone loves you. You make it easy. I love you and feel so lucky to be your mama. So blessed.

Love,
mom

what a mess.

2010-09-24T15:19:00.000-07:00

My mom has started taking classes during the day, and this has thrown a wrench into my routine. Usually, after breakfast sometime, I'll get the boys settled into doing something then spend a significant amount of time on the phone with my mom as we both do what needs to be done around our houses. Her call signals to my brain "time to be productive!" and I have a burst of sudden energy. I'm struggling to find that jolt without the call. Am I really so dependent on my mother, after four kids and all these years of being on my own? Admittedly so.

So while my mom sits in an American History class, I just sit in a stupor trying to find it within myself to go on without her. I don't feel lazy, just confused...like my mind just doesn't know what to do without the regular stimuli. I tell myself "alright, Natalie. If you get all of this done before Kevin gets home today, you'll have a great weekend free of laundry, scrubbing and mopping. Doesn't that sound great?" And it does sound great, really great. But still, the phone doesn't ring and my feet don't move. I want to do it, but can I really train myself to adjust to this lesser way of living?

I think I could, though it may take a while. Maybe therapy? A new conditioned response? I'll let you know when I sort it out and my mind and home are again in order. Until then, don't stop by unexpectedly. I think it would just be awkward for both of us.

Fifteen Years

2010-09-22T14:46:00.000-07:00

This morning I spent three hours at the dentist, with more appointments to follow. It had been ten years since I last sat in a dental chair. Life gets away from me sometimes, especially those parts of life that I'd rather ignore anyway. But we're getting all caught up now, yahoo. The Nelson side of the family is setting goals together so we can collaboratively get more on the ball in our lives. This month is flossing everyday (ouch, but getting better). Next month is the official "get all medical and dental records caught up and organized" month but, as it has been a while and our insurance will not be as great starting Jan 1, we're getting a head start. I do not love the puffy, tingly way my mouth feels right now, but I do love that we're finally doing it.

Yesterday my sister in law Nicole stopped by with a smoothie and a listening ear, just to be nice. We'd talked briefly a few days ago and she said I'd sounded a little down. I had been down, for various reasons, and it was a gesture that meant a lot to me. I'm not one to typically wear my emotions on my sleeve, but I was grateful for her perceptiveness and resulting thoughtfulness. Doubly appreciative because I know how busy her life is right now, with a successful business and three little boys of her own. I know Heavenly Father had His hand in it, and am grateful that He takes care of me in just the right ways. His tender mercies come in many forms to let me know He is very aware of my little life.

Lest you should be worried about me after that last paragraph, I'm doing really well. I'm getting large, with just under four months of pregnancy to go, and I don't love the fact that I'm down to one pair of jeans that fits. There are way too many flies in my house at any given moment, and I don't like that. I have to catch up on laundry today, and I'd really rather not. But in all that matters, things are good and I feel really lucky to have such a life.

Today marks fifteen years since my little brother Taylor passed away. He was just barely three. I posted more about that here. I don't know how a mother can survive the loss of a child, how my own mom survived that loss.

My memories of him are memories of memories now. He was a sweet, though somewhat serious child. He was very imaginative and he loved animals. He was well loved by all of us. We've mused a few times that he would have been 18 this year, probably starting his Senior year, and wondered what he would be like, how the dynamics of our family would be different. We'll see him again someday, of that I'm sure. Another tender mercy, perhaps the most important one in this life.

And I look into the eyes of my own Taylor, as he begs me to come right now to turn on the bath because he and Jack are terribly muddy (we've had quite the storm today) and I feel blessed yet again.

PS. If anyone has an amazing oatmeal cookie recipe, could you send it my way? natalielarson @ gmail . com Thanks!

Outings

2010-09-20T11:04:00.000-07:00

This weekend we went to the fair. I briefly considered sending Kevin and the boys along with Kristen and Gavin alone so I could get things done at home. Then I pictured my boys seeing the animals and squealing with delight, so I put those responsible thoughts aside. Looking back, I'm not sure that was the right choice, though I don't know what Kev would have done without me. The fair was sort of a disaster. Jack and Taylor had been to the doctor the day before for shots and Taylor's legs were sore. Upon arrival, we took in the free sea lion show. I really can't believe how people plunk down money at a fair. It cost 12-25 dollars to get your picture taken with the sea lions and folks were just lining up. Anyway, the show itself was quite impressive and I had high hopes for the rest of our fair day. As it turns out, it was all down hill from there.

The boys were thrilled at the sight of the rides, but at $2-$4 per ride per person, we had to dash their hopes again and again. Same with the overpriced treats. In the minds of my oldest two, the word "fair" translated into "ferris wheel" and upon our arrival Taylor excitedly pointed to the towering structure and said "I see the fair!" Before seeing the ride prices we determined that we'd splurge and go on that one ride (I was thinking $2 tops). The cost: 4 tickets = 4 dollars. Twenty four dollars for 2 minutes of family fun seemed ridiculous. After painful deliberation, we noticed a smaller ferris wheel on the other side of the park, prayed it would be cheaper, and headed over. Navigating four little boys through the crowds at a fair is not a simple task, especially if one of those boys has sore legs and is in no mood to cooperate. We finally made it, only to find that the price of the dinky one was only a dollar cheaper. Defeated, we plunked down the $18 and climbed aboard. This one went a little faster than the actual ferris wheel and slightly terrified both Taylor and Austin (poor Austin trembled and let out a little whimper every time we'd come up over the top.)

Eager to leave the rides behind us, we ushered our crew over to the barns. We had just been to Wheeler Farm earlier this week, so they just weren't all that excited by the animals. They wanted hot dogs. After about 25 minutes of trying to spark some sort of enthusiasm in our boys with very little success, we admitted defeat and made our way across the fairgrounds to the dollar dogs stand and fed our family of six for five dollars (I opted out). And then we left. It was hot and nap time and no one complained as we made our way back to the van, at least not about the fact that we were leaving.

Looking back, I say mistake.

BUT the boys look back and can't stop talking about that ferris wheel, and they remember the mom pig with her nine little piggies and how three of those piggies were walking right on their mom. Those sea lions were funny and Rose (the older sea lion) could dance better than Kim (the younger one). And that big cow was HUGE and had horns but it was nice and it's ears were big. So...success?

I still can't decide. Maybe in a year we'll give it another try. Maybe.

On Sunday we took a drive up through the canyon and it was amazing. The leaves are changing and it is breathtaking. If you live close, go right now. Taylor did get car sick and threw up(there are a lot of bends in the road), but even dealing with that was well worth it. We grabbed a handful of red leaves that are now pressing in our thick animal encyclopedia. We drove all the way through the Alpine Loop and stopped to see the Aunts in Provo before heading home. That, I'm sure, was an outing worth repeating. Maybe even tonight.

subtle

2010-09-16T11:23:00.000-07:00

Changes around our house lately wouldn't be obvious to an onlooker.

I had high hopes of daily preschool and a more structured routine. Instead, things have gone on as usual, with just small movements in that direction. The TV is on less often, some days not at all. Books are becoming a daily staple, as well as crayons and paper. Sometimes I teach a lesson or principle, but it's rarely planned or rehearsed. It isn't a goal achieved, but I feel the slight movements and know that we aren't just spinning our wheels.

And with homemaking. Through all of my ups and downs of homemaking, I do see overall improvement. I'm not a natural, but I'm keeping at it and getting better, ever so slowly. (though you wouldn't think so if you could look over at my kitchen as I am right now...hmmm.) Baby steps. Things are slightly more organized, meals are slightly healthier, on average my floor isn't quite as dirty. I really make a push at times and do much better, and then as time goes on things may settle into something less than I was hoping, but better than they were before.

And motherhood. Sometimes it isn't something that I get better at through my own efforts. Sometimes life just pushes me. The other day I had HAD it. I was done. done. done. It was about half an hour before Kevin got home. He'd just informed me that our van still wasn't done being repaired (a day and a half had turned into 5 days, and this was just an air conditioning repair!) and our large grocery shopping trip would have to wait yet another day. I was out of creative dinner ideas. It had already been a very long day. With three of my four boys crying at me about various unimportant issues, things were melting down quickly. Taylor was being very loud and irrational and I was in no mood to be patient. I stormed up to my room and shut the door, contemplating how bad it would be to just let them cry until Kevin came home. But almost immediately the thought struck me. "Oh, stop it. You've been doing this for over five years now. You can fix this. You are perfectly capable of turning things around down there." So I walked back out and did it. And it wasn't even all that hard.

It is the same with spiritual things. For years my mom has studied the scriptures for an hour each morning if time will possibly allow it. My scripture study isn't an hour, not even close. But I feel a shift in my time spent from something I need to do to something I look forward to, something more sustaining and enlightening. Since Kevin and I were married we've seen the value of daily family prayer and scripture study, as well as weekly Family Home Evening, but have struggled to create any consistency. Things aren't perfect here either, but we do pray as a family and read at least one verse every night with our boys and usually read a chapter as a couple. FHE is slowly becoming habit, even if it is thrown together at 6 on Monday night when it dawns on us to have it.

It's easy for me to look at my life and be disappointed in myself. There may always be some of that, though I hope not. But underneath it all, under the messes, flops, underachieved goals, and the chaos, I can sense that small but good things are happening, and I think that is worth noting.

The REAL ultrasound

2010-09-10T09:59:00.000-07:00

I'll admit, after already knowing the gender of my coming baby, the anticipation that usually accompanies a 20 week ultrasound was mild. I was excited to see the baby, to catch a glimpse of that little person growing as I go about my life. I was anxious to find out if he was healthy, if there were any concerns. But I didn't expect to be as moved by it all as I turned out to be. He was there, my little boy, squirming around and weighing a whopping 13 oz. And he was perfect. His spine, his lips, his brain, his heart, they were all beautiful, so said that technician. And it was really wonderful to just sit back and enjoy looking at his feet, his legs, his profile. Oh, that sweet, sweet profile. I was glad there was no pressure on the gender. The technician was great, very nice and good at her job. She said she wished she could have proven the mall people wrong and announce my first girl to me, but he was certainly a he. I told her I was really excited about five boys to which she genuinely asked (and this is going to sound snotty, but it wasn't, trust me on this) "how could you be excited about FIVE BOYS?" I guess you have to have four boys in order to understand.

After the ultrasound I was scheduled for a regular doctors appointment. Kevin and Austin, who had joined me for the ultrasound, left to wait for me at my in-law's house. Grandpa Larson was kind enough to watch the boys during the ultrasound. I walked in to find a full waiting room. I signed in. There were three people above me who had not yet even been checked in. Not a good sign, and I wasn't in the mood to just sit around for an hour. It was 4 o'clock on a beautiful afternoon, Kevin wasn't at work, I had a healthy baby on the way and I wanted to be surrounded by my boys in that moment. I rescheduled the appointment and we went to the park. It was a new park, well it was actually a really old park, but we hadn't been there before. It had a merry-go-round, an old teeter-totter (the kind with a good bump that almost throws you off every time you go up), really high swings, huge tires to climb on and in, a good climbing tree, and a slide that went so fast that it spit you out hard. It was perfect. The merry-go-round was like this:

only it had 5 bars coming out of the center. Each boy sat and wrapped legs around a bar and held on tight as Kevin geared up to spin them. As I was getting Austin settled, Jack exclaimed "hey, there's five spots! Just like us when the baby is born!...and grows up like Austin so he can hold on." My thoughts exactly=) I had just shown them the ultrasound pictures in the car on the way over to the park, and they oooed and aawed appropriately. Five boys. Could anything be more fun?

Labor Day 2010

2010-09-07T08:58:00.000-07:00

This weekend we will celebrate our 6th anniversary. Six years. We make quite a team, Kevin and I. You should have seen us yesterday, laboring all day long. We decided to landscape our yard and finish re-finishing our kitchen chairs. (please don't look up when we actually started that project, it's shamefully embarrassing and I would rather not know.) We woke at 7, both of us sick with colds, and got going. Ten and a half hours later, we finished. My hands were stiff from recovering seat cushion after seat cushion and blazing through 14 cans of spray paint. Kevin's were rough and calloused from weeding and digging 19 holes and planting 19 bushes, then reassembling the chairs. What a day. what. a. day.

But when all was done, we ignored our messy house, ate dinner, and loaded into the car for ice cream. At around hour 7 of our efforts, I was needing (desperately needing) some inspiration. So I promised myself an Iceberg milkshake and Kevin agreed to funding it. We bought kid cones from McDonalds for the boys (Austin joyfully squealed with excitement when he saw his) and splurged on $5 shakes for Kevin and I. At first this seemed like a little much to be spending on a treat, but really, that's like 50 cents an hour. We're well worth it, I say. I ordered a grasshopper one and as we waited at the window, Jack asked me "Mom, why did you say you wanted a "grasshopper" to them." =)I love little minds. Best grasshopper I ever ate. Rather than go home, we decided to just keep driving for a while. We shared our shakes with the boys as we drove along. I'd pass a spoonful to Jack, who would eat it if it was his turn or pass it on back to Taylor who would eat it if it was his turn or pass it on to Noah who would eat it if the spoon got that far. Austin was content with his soggy ice cream cone that still wasn't quite gone when we got home 45 minutes later.

And now I sit, typing away happily in my still messy house, gearing up for another (much needed) productive day. Maybe if I promise myself a frosty...

Today is my mom's birthday. I think you all know how I feel about that woman. Happy Birthday Mom! My life wouldn't nearly as happy without you.

overthinking?

2010-08-24T07:46:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder what moments are going to stick in the minds of your children?

This morning Austin found an empty potato chip bag and managed to find some little pieces in the bottom. He sat on my lap facing me, eating happily. He held up a small piece and grinned. I looked lovingly into his eyes and nodded. It was a sweet moment, and then the thought crossed my mind: "I wonder if this will turn into a subconscious memory that will find significance and haunt him for life, giving him an unexplained deep love for this unhealthy food." He'll be addicted, eating bag after bag, looking for the love and approval that he found in that brief moment with me and only find instead the bottom of the bag and greasy fingers.

Sorry Austy. It's all my fault.

twenty seven

2010-08-23T08:41:00.000-07:00

Well, hello. This dumpy computer being what it is, it shuts down whenever I attempt to upload pictures. So someday I'll do a great photo update, but until then, you're stuck with just my words. We have returned from our trip to Washington. It was inspiring, as always. On the way up we caravaned with Nick, Nadine, Audrey(5), Eric(3), and baby Sam. It was a great trip. We filled the week with games and outings and great food, as always. I hardly saw Jack or Taylor, as they were outdoors adventuring with Peter and Audrey and Eric. Noah joined them much of the time, but at least he came to find me for reasons other than an empty stomach. "THIS is how little boys should grow up" I kept thinking to myself...but of course I've never thought differently.

On one of the first evenings there Kevin and I took a long walk down the gravel roads, surrounded by trees and fields and sky. Austin and Noah were in the stroller, but were content to just ride along and let us muse about the beauty of it all and discuss our life. We talked about living a life we choose to, acting rather than being acted upon. There are some aspects of my life that are very deliberate. Having 5 children in six years is one of those aspects, as out of control as it may seem. Living in Utah on a .19 acre lot...well, it works for now.

And then there are smaller things, like waking up in the morning and each little interaction with my children. Most days, my days begin with me being "acted upon" when I wake at a time dictated by my earliest riser (usually Taylor or Noah). Without recognizing it, I've come to spend most of my days, my moments, reacting to the actions of my children. They wake, I wake. They fight, I break it up. They make a mess, I clean. They need something, I get it. They get hungry, I figure out what to feed them. Part of this has come of necessity. Their wants, their minds, their needs, have become my world. I don't resent that and have really come to enjoy it, actually. But I'm beginning to hear a call to action where my conscious choices would dictate to makeup of my day. Since that conversation up in Washington, it seems to be a theme in my life. The Sunday school lesson on agency, another great conversation with my mom, the book on tape we listened to all the way home was a novel about a man who lived his life doing what he loved and not compromising himself to fit in with the world...then I came home and realized the series of tapes I bought at a yard sale a few weeks ago is called Active Parenting and they're all about not being reactive in your approach to raising children. It seems I have a lesson to learn and Heavenly Father is making it very clear for me.

I turned 27 last Friday. 27 has been my lucky number since middle school when it happened to be that 2 of the boys I liked both had birthdays on the 27th of different months. It was fate. Not really, but even still, it's remained a number that holds significance above other numbers, dorky I know. But it seems appropriate that I would be feeling like this here as I enter a new (significant) year of being alive. It will not be just another year, it will be a year of my making. The second trimester of pregnancy is always motivating. I come back to life a bit and feel the anticipation of good things on the horizon. Nesting comes in to play and I undertake big projects on a whim. I feel the need to get every aspect of my life in order before the baby comes.

By the way, it IS a boy! Can you believe it? boy names anyone?

I think you're right.

2010-08-06T04:51:00.000-07:00

I think just need a little time without stressing about not posting. I want to continue in a genuine way, but making it private may result in the demise of this blog, I'm afraid. As much as I worry about losing authenticity by leaving this blog open to anyone, I also know very well that if I try to do it just for me, it will cease to be.

I think I've just been discouraged by my lack of posting, my shallow catch-up posts, my lack of brain power, and the overall fluffy feel of my blog lately. I don't blame you for that, I really think it is more the result of my lack of enthusiasm for it...not to mention a computer that just shuts down at will, especially when I'm attempting to download pictures from my camera.

It seems the forces are working against me=) So, I'll let them have their way for a few weeks or so, and be back when I feel more like it. Thanks for all of your kind words, they all meant a lot to me and reminded me that it really just wouldn't be the same without you. I'll catch up with you soon and it will be wonderful. Until then, thanks again. Really, thank you.

should I stay or should I go?

2010-08-02T14:35:00.000-07:00

I had another doctors appointment this morning and all is going and growing well. He reported that my blood pressure looks good, and my weight gain looks great. I'm not sure that I agree with that part, but it was nice to hear it anyway.

This morning my family left, heading back home to Washington. I loved the visit, and although it was short I'm consoled by the fact that we will be joining them there shortly for a trip of our own. The quiet month of July we had planned turned into a whirlwind of events and visitors at the end and I couldn't be happier about that. I love it when summer feels like summer, and guests make that easier. Without having children in school yet, Summer can easily turn into just another string of day after day we spend at home. That hasn't been the case this year. Kevin commented the other day that we should have kept a log of what we've done each evening, as it would be a pretty impressive list. Even without guests it would have been an eventful season, but guests have made it seem extraordinarily good.

I'm trying to blog more often, but it just isn't working out. Turns out, my brain becomes all a-fuzz when I'm pregnant. I've always known this of myself, but have never had such solid evidence as I do this time as I attempt to blog. I have so many posts I've started and abandoned, dozens upon dozens. It's discouraging to try to convey a thought, but then either feel too tired to finish, suddenly bored with the idea, or just too brain blurry to be able to get it across in a way that makes sense. Is this making sense?

So, along with feeling more tired and being out and about more often, that is my reason for blogging less often. I'm sparing you the torment of trying to decipher something meaningful from my not-so-sensical ramblings.

Also, more and more lately, I'm finding that this "share it all with the world" mode of communication and documentation doesn't exactly jive with my more private way of living my life, in real life. I've loved the community this blog has created for me, and I love sharing the ups and downs of being a young mom with lots of boys, but lately it has ceased being a place where I feel like just writing whatever may be on my mind, for fear of who may stumble across it and what they may think of it.

I don't flatter myself into believing that this blog matters much to anyone else in the world. There was a time when I wished it would matter, when followers meant my life and thoughts were interesting. The truth is, I lost a follower the other day, and although I noticed the number go down, I have no idea who it was. And I realized that I don't really care about that anymore and that if the remaining 23 followers suddenly jumped ship, maybe this blog would be better for it because I'd be more inclined to just write whatever I want.

Some people in this world are completely comfortable putting their ideas out there without worry about offending or taking guff from others. Maybe this comes with age? A secure sense of self? An indifference to others? Whatever it is, I envy it. It is not who I am right now. I'm a girl who feels great and secure in my real life, but tiptoe-ish and small-talky in this internet world lately. This makes it sound like I want to say all kinds of awful things and am just holding myself back from dishing out the dirt. Not so. I just want to convey myself in an honest way, but am finding that to be in conflict with my day-to-day life. Not that I'm not honest in real life. It's just that I don't want to feel over exposed due to what I write here.

So then I come to the conclusion that this blog would better serve my purpose as a private one, really private with no invitees. I could just write for me, as a record of my life. But then there are those of you (some who I've never met in person) who offer friendship, acceptance, and ongoing support in this little journey of mine. Those of you who I only know through your various beautiful blogs, and yet I feel like we really are friends, and I appreciate your open and honest posts because they let me know who you are and appreciate you and your life for what it really is. Shouldn't I return the favor, or is it really a favor to offer my ramblings to you or anyone? And those of you who I do know and love in real life, but don't see often and if I close myself off in the name of....I'm not sure what, then will we be able to stay close? Are annual Christmas cards enough? And who am I kidding, we haven't yet sent out a single Christmas card in all of our married life.

So do I just make it a very exclusive blog?

I know it sounds like this is something I'm losing sleep over. It isn't. I am just going through a blogging slump lately and am trying to figure out what it will take for me to keep on going with it, as I do see it as a good thing to keep on doing. One I'll regret letting go of. But even in writing this, I've found myself wondering if I should post or not... and what good is this blog if I feel like I should be filtering everything, for fear of exposing myself as a nutcase who worries about weird things.

After reading this post, I'm sure some of you are thinking that my going private is a great idea and would only save you the hassle of blog dumping me anyway=) My brain is a mess these day...maybe I should just chalk it all up to hormones and sleep deprivation and just take a hiatus.

Aren't you glad you stopped by?

let's see...

2010-07-27T11:53:00.000-07:00

Oh the great catch up post.

1. I went in for an early ultrasound at fetal studios in the mall. I just had to know and I'm only 15 weeks along. Results: probably another boy! He wasn't 100% certain (the cord was in the way), so he's having me come back this week. To be honest, I was shocked. I've really felt girl vibes this time, but I suppose I just hyped myself up and saw every difference in this pregnancy as an indication that this would be a girl. FIVE boys. BOYS. five of them. Although it has taken me a bit of time to wrap my brain around it, I love it. Now if only I can come up with another name...

2. A happy visit from my brother Eric, his wife Andy, and three girls Ruth (3), Sadie (almost 2) and May (3 months) as they journey east to start law school in Georgia. Eric and Ruthie stayed until yesterday, then headed out in the moving truck, car in tow. Andy, Sadie, and May are here until Thursday, and I feel so lucky to have this time with them before they're so far away. May is the sweetest baby ever born. She sleeps and eats and smiles. Sadie is SO darling and I sure will miss these little girls. The night they arrived I came downstairs to find Kevin holding May, she was smiling and he was loving it. I love Kevin with babies, and I can't wait to see him with a daughter of his own...someday.=) Andy is so wonderful. Yesterday she took it upon herself to get our backyard whipped into shape and we spent the whole day weeding and sweeping, and mowing and trimming. It looks so great. I can't even tell you. I'll miss them all so much.

3. On Saturday I was able to meet a friend I met through this very blog. Brynn and her husband David are from North Carolina but were out here visiting family. The generously shared some of the little spare time they had with us and it was just like talking to old friends. It's funny how well you can know someone you've never actually met. Even David was just as I pictured he would be and they were an adorable, loving couple, just as I knew they would be. I wish I could have spent at least a whole day just talking to Brynn, but alas, a few hours were all there was time for. We went to Zupas and then came back here to just talk and play with the boys. If I get nothing more out of this blog than that friendship, it will have been worth it. Thanks so much for taking the time, Brynn and David! We loved it.

4. My great uncle (who I met only a few times as a child) passed away, so my family is coming down for the funeral. They arrive on Thursday, and I can't wait to see them all. We're busy getting the house (and yard) all ready for their arrival. I can't wait!

5. Today is Marlee's birthday! I love my sister Marlee. They boys love their Auntie Marlee. She's coming over tonight for cake and a movie. Marlee does what she wants, especially on her birthday, and it's satisfying to know that she wants to end her day here, with us. Marlee, we love you so much! Now, your favorite nephew is standing naked beside me, begging for a bath, so I must go.

I'll add pictures to this post when I find time. Sorry if this is lame, each of these should have their own post as I have much more I could say about each, but life is too crazy for such things right now. Posting now.