the post that took me a week to complete.

I have to admit that I have had my moments of panic at the prospect of the days ahead.  The idea of five boys five and under seemed intimidating, but after Adam was born, it started to seem daunting.  In that first week when I was receiving constant support, I genuinely questioned my ability to go it alone in the days, weeks, months of the future.  One additional adult seemed to keep things balanced and my optimism leading up to the birth was starting to give way to doubt.  Even an incredibly sweet baby takes a lot of time.  I remember after Jack was born I struggled to get anything else done, and he was my only responsibility!  Of course, I've grown a lot since then and the idea of caring for a new baby is not intimidating as it once was.  But I'm very aware of the strain that sleeplessness can bring and I really began to worry.

After my first week back to real life, I'm regaining some confidence.  I feel pretty much recovered and it's very nice to not be pregnant.  Austin had some mouth sores that kept him up a lot for the first few nights and made him very cranky, but he's healthy now, thank goodness.  Adam has been confused about night and day and I do wake up tired.  We're just taking it easy, trying to loosely maintain order while adjusting to this fun new dynamic.

Kevin has been so great, certainly looking out for my needs over his own.  One thing I love about Kevin is his love of our new babies.  I think I've mentioned this before, but Kevin wasn't exactly crazy about kids before we got married.  He had never changed a diaper and showed only mild interest in his nieces and nephews.  He loved them, he just wasn't great with children.  Still, we knew we wanted a big family and I had no doubt his kindness and sense of humor would translate into good things when it came time for fatherhood. 

Turns out, he's better than I could have predicted.  Put a new baby in his arms and he seems to radiate happiness.  I was bathing Adam last night in the sink in our laundry room.  Adam loves baths and looks around serenely as his dark hair sways with the movement of the water. (I wash it too often because I love how he looks with freshly washed, fluffy hair...I'm a little vain about his hair, actually.)  Kevin walked by as I was doing this and stopped in his tracks to marvel over our new little fellow.  I love that he does that.  In addition to adoring the baby, Kevin has taken over the laundry and he lets me sleep whenever possible.  So nice.

My mind is having a little trouble adjusting to the number five.  I keep getting confused.  When getting the boys dressed, I keep going to Noah's drawer to find clothes for Austin, since Austin isn't the littlest anymore.  Of course Austin is the same size as he was before Adam came, but I keep doing that.  I packed a diaper bag without a binky or a diaper for Austin because Noah is potty trained and no longer needs a binky...I just forgot about Austy, poor boy.  I'll be dishing up dinner for the boys and I have to remind myself that I still need to dish up four plates.  I tend to think I only need 3 now, since Adam doesn't eat food.  But of course I still have four boys who do eat.  I keep thinking of Austin as either Noah or Adam.  Is that horrible to admit?  Also, I feel like I can't keep track of who is where in my mind without real effort.  I'm used to four.  My radar can track four without any trouble and without even really thinking, but add one immobile baby and I'm just can't keep track anymore.  I have to count, consciously think of each boy individually and figure out his location. 

This can be blamed partly on the lack of sleep, I think.  I'm afraid I've entered into the lowest level of brain activity in the last few days...at least I can hope that it doesn't get any lower than this because I'm barely making sense as it is.  My sensitivity level is high and after 10 pm I could cry over just about anything.  Fortunately for Kevin, I now recognize my own instability as well as it's source and don't take it seriously.  I can reel my emotions back in and know to get myself to bed as quickly as possible. 

There are downsides, but overall I feel like I'm living a dream.  Not a dream in which all is going blissfully well and only sweet words are spoken.  But a very unique, almost unreal life.  Five little boys, five and under, all at home with me all day.  These brothers who will always have each other, these boys who are all mine right now, though not for long.  So, yes, it is challanging and draining and exhausting at times.  But I love my life.  I feel that over these past 5 and a half years, one boy at a time, I've stumbled upon the secret to real satisfaction in life and feel so very blessed.