jane

Today Jane is celebrating her birthday. I should say that when I call her Jane it isn't meant in a disrespectful way. Quite the opposite. I call her mom most of the time, but sometimes that seems like too narrow a word to encompass all that she is in my life.

I know, I know...there is no greater title than that of "mother" but to me "Jane" says she is a person, that we are close, that she's not just the person who brought me into this world, but that she is a bosom friend and confidant. Like the difference between saying "My Queen" and "Elizabeth." Does that make sense? anyway...

She is my hero. My mom was the youngest of 6 children. Inspired by my Aunt Susan, she decided at a young age that she wanted a big family. But as I am quickly learning, the dream of a big family and the reality of all that it entails are very different things. It requires so much give. She's referred to this as the "give over," the point where you stop thinking of you and your life becomes about your family. I wonder if everyone becomes increasingly amazed by their moms as they get older and begin to realize all the behind-the-scenes sacrifices that went into their childhoods.
I could go on and on and on about her. She's the most amazing motivator because she makes me see life and motherhood and homemaking in simple, glorious ways. After spending weeks and weeks with her I hated tearing myself away, but she sent me home renewed and it was time to get back to work, being the giver.

I believe I love my children more completely, almost to the point of addiction (maybe it is an addiction, and that's why I have them constantly=) because she taught me how to enjoy them. How to let go of trying to schedule and just mug on them when they're awake, look into their eyes and bond as they coo at me, squish their thighs and smell their fuzzy heads as they nurse, sigh over them as they sleep, even see the beauty in the midnight wakings. And then as they grow older...appreciate their humor, be enlightened by their conversation, burst with pride over their achievements, marvel over their little minds and how they work, just enjoy their company...

We went hiking up the canyon today, slowly making our way along a secluded trail on a perfect day. I felt so blessed to be the mom in this family of boys. I LOVED it, I LOVED sharing that experience with them. And as it is my mom's birthday I kept thinking of her, and how much I owe it to her, that joy I was feeling.

This was a gift that she gave to me, this true enjoyment in the midst of raising 4 little boys. And what can I say to thank her for that? Thanks mom, you're the greatest! It just doesn't seem like enough.