thats who I am

Dear Jack, Taylor, Noah, and Austin,

Here I am at age 26. I imagine that will be about the age you are when you begin having any interest in all of these ramblings. Part of what I want this blog to be is a true account of who I am as a person, to humanize myself to those of you who know me as mom.

In truth, I'm not a very interesting person. My life is dedicated to you, my small boys, and I have little time to focus on much else. When I do turn my focus elsewhere, things begin going awry. Like the other day when I was trying to upload pictures to this blog and you (taylor) squirted liquid soap all over the living room, for example. In this era, most women are either not able to or not content to be just moms. Usually they don't have four little kids under 5, and can balance other things more successfully than I can. With my personality and situation, I count myself lucky that I can feel fulfilled in this role alone and not feel a void in my life.

This doesn't mean I'm just fine with life and don't feel the urge to be more. There is much I would like to be doing to better your lives. I have goals of a garden, your own personal preschool in the basement, an efficient laundry system, a healthier menu, more outings (including long road trips), a cleaner house, a finished degree, a more consistent routine, more books, no TV, eventually more room to run around outside. I'm sure as you grow older and I get better at this there will be more room for hobbies that are all my own.

But now, right now in the trenches, I focus on meeting your needs, on connecting with each of you on a daily basis, on teaching you to be nice, on introducing you to the gospel, on making sure you stay alive, on creating an environment that is safe and peaceful, on not yelling, on keeping a wonderful relationship with your dad, on listening to you, on making life fun, on not drowning in it all. And I really love it. I don't go about my life thinking "if only I had time for..."

You all love piling on the hammock with me and we swing and swing. It has started to become a daily tradition. We haven't flipped yet, but have had several close calls. I lay there and think about each of you, about what to make for dinner, about your dad, about whether of not we should go to the park tonight, about how we really need to do something about our ugly back yard, about laundry I should be folding, about my toenails that need some help, about how we have the perfect place for the hammock in our yard, about how this is much more relaxing and efficient than pushing you all separately on a swing set. What I like most is that you are all there with me (unless one of you is sleeping.) I love being with you. I am so grateful that I have the freedom to just be with you.

I want you to know that I have a lot of fun too. Your dad makes me laugh all the time, and as long as he's there I'm happy. We have great friends who entertain and sustain me. I love having your aunts living so close right now. I know you'll always love them for the hours they spend with you. I love being outside with all of you, it is so pretty here right now. I'll try to maintain this cheery outlook on life as it starts getting cold. I really don't love the snow. I used to, before it meant sickness, and bundling, and social isolation. I always dread it, but it's never as bad as I think it will be. It also means Christmas (in Washington this year!), and hot chocolate, and snowmen, and more time for that preschool I want to get started for you guys.

Okay, now I'm really rambling, I'm a rambler. That's something else you can know about me at age 26, I ramble ....and I am awkward on the phone.

I just wanted you to know that.

Love,
Mom