hard days

Yesterday was rough. Tays is the reason why, though I guess I should be held partially responsible because I didn't insist on his taking a nap earlier in the day. The result was the most contrary little boy I have yet experienced, and that is saying something. He flipped out over everything over and over. Crying and crying. He followed me around and no matter what I did it made him cry harder. I'd pick him up, he'd flip out. I'd put him down, he'd flip out. When my kids are like this it grates at my soul. After they were all in bed (and that took some doing) I felt so worn out, very drained emotionally. Like I could just sob. I fell asleep on the couch while feeding Austin at 9:30, moved up to my bed at 11, and didn't feel ready to wake up this morning.

Yesterday was actually a "good" day technically. I was quite patient, I had dinner ready when Kev got home, I took the boys for a walk, my house stayed pretty clean, I prepared a little lesson for family night and made cookies. But I can't help feeling like a failure, like I'm not suited for all that my life is right now, overwhelmed. I don't often feel like this, but it's hard to admit when I do. After all, I'm the one who had my kids so close together. It's all my fault =) At the end of the day if I feel like I've failed my kids somehow, whatever else I've accomplished seems pointless.

So today, I will expect nothing more of myself than patient and loving parenting. Maybe we'll sit around and watch little bear for hours, play outside, and eat cookies all day.