Life with 4 under 4 begins

How many times have I begun this post, and been pulled away and unable to finish even a paragraph? At least 5 so far. Miraculously, all 4 of my boys are napping at this moment and I'm determined to actually post. Yes, I now have 4 BOYS under 4! Sweet Austin joined our family 3 weeks ago. He is a dream, who likes to grunt all of the time but rarely cries. I'm amazed at him. You may think I'd be used to newborns by now, but he (like all of his brothers before him) is intoxicating. I love holding, smelling, nursing, and just looking at him. When he's awake and calm, its like he creates this trance over me...I love looking at his dark eyes and wondering what he thinks of this new world. I will show it to him, I'll be the one who teaches him what a cow says and that we don't hit. I love this short short time we have when I am everything to him. It is physically draining, holding him all of the time, waking up many many times at night, nursing, changing, doing whatever I can to make him comfortable, but this is how we bond. I loved him before he was born. I melted for him when we met. And now many hours of my life are dedicated to making him feel secure and loved, and the more I do this the more I love him.

Of course, this welcome addition hasn't made for a simple transition or an easy day to day life. There are many many moments when I feel inadequate to the task of successfully caring for little boys ages 3, 2, 1, and 0. I'm tired. But that is to be expected, and I just have to do the best I can. Try to find time every day to connect with each one in a meaningful way. There are times when I feel discouraged, but that does no good. This phase in my life, as well as theirs, is difficult but unique and precious. The days will pass and soon things will be easier, I'll be getting more sleep. But I remind myself often not to just get through each day, but to pause and savor what it feels like to be surrounded by sweet boys who are all still so small. I need to get a good camera so that I can capture the many great moments we share each day. They are too easy to forget when things get hard. Maybe that is part of the reason I feel the urge to blog more, so I can document this amazing time. Life is really good.

Kev, who will be gone ALL DAY today, knew this would be a long day for me and had a sandwich delivered. The guy who brought it to me awkwardly said "and I'm supposed to tell you that Kevin loves you." Nothing says 'I love you' like a good sandwich.

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