I miss Kevin

In ten days I will be reunited with my love. I'm going to tell you something awful I used to think.

I thought I'd be okay if Kevin died.

Not that I don't love him like crazy or that I wouldn't mourn profusely. I do and I would. My plan has always been that I'd take his hefty life insurance policy, build a house next door to my parents and live out the rest of my days here in this place that I love. It would be rough, but I'd be surrounded by family and I'd heal.

The truth is clear to me now though. I would want to die. It wouldn't matter who else I had in my life, where I lived, or how rich I was. I would not be able to carry on. It would all seem bleak and I'm afraid I'd just have to stop feeling all together if I wished to survive the pain.

This trip has been great and I've loved it here as always. But the length of it has reminded me of all that Kevin is to me and that his absence creates a void in everything I do. He offers the security of unconditional love and on nights when I feel dumb or guilty about something I did or said he holds me and reminds me that he truly thinks I am the person I only wish I was. He sees my good intentions and those count to him. He enjoys life in general and our boys specifically and I miss sharing experiences with him. He is my friend and I can't imagine getting excited about a life without him in it.

As I've been here, 30 miles from town, surrounded by trees and unpretentious people I've thought seriously about coming up with a plan to get our family here. I realized that no matter where we live, I will always be content as long as I have Kevin. Life will always be exciting and I will always recognize how blessed I am to have such a wonderful person by my side come what may.

Darling, if you happen to read this, know that I love you and am counting down the days...