should I stay or should I go?

 I had another doctors appointment this morning and all is going and growing well.  He reported that my blood pressure looks good, and my weight gain looks great.  I'm not sure that I agree with that part, but it was nice to hear it anyway.

This morning my family left, heading back home to Washington.  I loved the visit, and although it was short I'm consoled by the fact that we will be joining them there shortly for a trip of our own. The quiet month of July we had planned turned into a whirlwind of events and visitors at the end and I couldn't be happier about that.  I love it when summer feels like summer, and guests make that easier.  Without having children in school yet, Summer can easily turn into just another string of day after day we spend at home.  That hasn't been the case this year. Kevin commented the other day that we should have kept a log of what we've done each evening, as it would be a pretty impressive list.  Even without guests it would have been an eventful season, but guests have made it seem extraordinarily good.

I'm trying to blog more often, but it just isn't working out.  Turns out, my brain becomes all a-fuzz when I'm pregnant.  I've always known this of myself, but have never had such solid evidence as I do this time as I attempt to blog.  I have so many posts I've started and abandoned, dozens upon dozens.  It's discouraging to try to convey a thought, but then either feel too tired to finish, suddenly bored with the idea, or just too brain blurry to be able to get it across in a way that makes sense.  Is this making sense?

So, along with feeling more tired and being out and about more often, that is my reason for blogging less often.  I'm sparing you the torment of trying to decipher something meaningful from my not-so-sensical ramblings.  

Also, more and more lately, I'm finding that this "share it all with the world" mode of communication and documentation doesn't exactly jive with my more private way of living my life, in real life.   I've loved the community this blog has created for me, and I love sharing the ups and downs of being a young mom with lots of boys, but lately it has ceased being a place where I feel like just writing whatever may be on my mind, for fear of who may stumble across it and what they may think of it.   

I don't flatter myself into believing that this blog matters much to anyone else in the world.  There was a time when I wished it would matter, when followers meant my life and thoughts were interesting.  The truth is, I lost a follower the other day, and although I noticed the number go down, I have no idea who it was.  And I realized that I don't really care about that anymore and that if the remaining 23 followers suddenly jumped ship, maybe this blog would be better for it because I'd be more inclined to just write whatever I want. 

Some people in this world are completely comfortable putting their ideas out there without worry about offending or taking guff from others.  Maybe this comes with age?  A secure sense of self?  An indifference to others?  Whatever it is, I envy it.  It is not who I am right now.  I'm a girl who feels great and secure in my real life, but tiptoe-ish and small-talky in this internet world lately.  This makes it sound like I want to say all kinds of awful things and am just holding myself back from dishing out the dirt.  Not so.  I just want to convey myself in an honest way, but am finding that to be in conflict with my day-to-day life.  Not that I'm not honest in real life.  It's just that I don't want to feel over exposed due to what I write here.

So then I come to the conclusion that this blog would better serve my purpose as a private one, really private with no invitees.  I could just write for me, as a record of my life.  But then there are those of you (some who I've never met in person) who offer friendship, acceptance, and ongoing support in this little journey of mine.  Those of you who I only know through your various beautiful blogs, and yet I feel like we really are friends, and I appreciate your open and honest posts because they let me know who you are and appreciate you and your life for what it really is. Shouldn't I return the favor, or is it really a favor to offer my ramblings to you or anyone?  And those of you who I do know and love in real life, but don't see often and if I close myself off in the name of....I'm not sure what, then will we be able to stay close?  Are annual Christmas cards enough?  And who am I kidding, we haven't yet sent out a single Christmas card in all of our married life. 

So do I just make it a very exclusive blog? 

I know it sounds like this is something I'm losing sleep over.  It isn't.  I am just going through a blogging slump lately and am trying to figure out what it will take for me to keep on going with it, as I do see it as a good thing to keep on doing.  One I'll regret letting go of.  But even in writing this, I've found myself wondering if I should post or not... and what good is this blog if I feel like I should be filtering everything, for fear of exposing myself as a nutcase who worries about weird things.  

After reading this post, I'm sure some of you are thinking that my going private is a great idea and would only save you the hassle of blog dumping me anyway=) My brain is a mess these day...maybe I should just chalk it all up to hormones and sleep deprivation and just take a hiatus.

Aren't you glad you stopped by?


  1. I don't care if you stay public or go private, but if you go private you HAVE to invite me! Lol. I know I don't "know" you, but I very much appreciate the things you share here, and check in often! So please don't go completely dark, even if you feel like you need to privatize a little =).

  2. As a matter of fact, YES, I am glad I stopped by. I understood everything you wrote. It was like sitting here listening to you...you write that well. I also understand because I have been going through similar thoughts and feelings lately about my own blog. I'm not sure either what to do about it, although today I did put the comments on moderation...which is a big step for me.

    Natalie, I will understand whatever you decide to do. But I also admit, that if you go totally private I will really miss you. Still, you have to do what is best for you and your family.

  3. Silly girl! You worry so much!

    I have taken a blogging break too, while I mull over my needs as a writer and what my blog "is." I would love to write anonymously, so that I can talk about whatever I want. There are so many things that I want to write about, but when I sit down to do it, I worry about who it might offend or how to write about an experience with someone without that person finding out what I thought about it, you know? And I would love to write more about my quirky family and marriage, but those things are WAY too personal for my little family blog. And yet I don't want my blog to just turn into a showy family journal... sigh. It is a dilemma.

    I hope you keep writing the same as you have been. I really enjoy having a glimpse into your little family and the ramblings in your brain. :)

  4. Oh, I will miss you so and getting to meet your sweet boys. You inspire me to try to do my very best as a mom, but you always will- blog or not. Just knowing a small part of your life now will be an ever present reminder in my memories. I went thru a phase like this where I felt like I was telling too much, giving too much of our little lives away. So I started a private diary blog for myself for things I shouldn't say outloud but want out of my head and I keep some posts on my family blog as just drafts- they are there for me to read later, but no one else gets to see. Whatever you decide, thanks for sharing and know that you are loved by many, no matter how often we talk ;)

  5. I know what you mean about filtering what you write about. I have a lot of family that looks at my blog and sometimes I want to type things and then I don't for fear of what they will think of me. I am also pregnant with my 4th boy and the hormones will mess with you. I think being a stay at home mom and not having a lot of connection with other adults on a daily basis is hard. And being able to read other moms blogs about their daily struggles is nice to know I am not the only one. I have just tried to commit myself not to ever post about our marraige life, finances or anything private like that. Other stuff is pretty much open subjects. Just be yourself and don't worry about that world. (easier said that done I know) If you go private don't block me. :-D

  6. It sounds like maybe you're feeling pressure to keep the blog updated. If I were you, I'd just not worry about letting it go for a while. If you find yourself dying to post something, do it, but otherwise, it really doesn't hurt to post something every couple of months or so. I'd still read it and love it. =)

    One thing I do that really helps with the public/private dilemma is that I write weekly emails to my closest friends and family members. It began as a way to help the grandparents see what was going on with the kid's lives, but it's become a rather intimate journal. I write about prayers that were answered, frustrations I'm having with certain children, the way I'm organizing chores, our family home evening lessons, funny things the kids say, and travelogues about what we've done and such. It's been wonderful for me. Then I can keep my blog more as a place for musings and such and don't feel bad if I'm not keeping it up sometimes. I still have things that are even too private for even my small group on my weekly email list, so I have a journal for that as well.

    In any case, I hope you won't go private; I think you have a lot to share with the world and I love hearing about your life -- even if it seems boring to you, it isn't to me!

  7. Oh don't go I will miss you and your cute boy stories!! I find so much inspiration in you. You are a great mom and a great blogger.

  8. Oh Natalie...in all this seriousness, you still make me laugh...who would ever dream of blog-dumping YOU!?!?!? Agreeing with everyone else...you must go with your gut and do what is best for you and your fam! Know that I love hearing what you have to say and respect you hugely.
    When I was pregnant with Maya, I took a loooong blogging sabbatical and it was good for me. Do what you must my dear, but dont disappear without an invite elsewhere.
    My christmas cards go right into recycling....would rather read your blog :)

  9. I don't know you but I found you through my friend Brynn's blog. I confess that I totally blog stalk you (and have never left a comment... shame on me.) I love your adventures with your little group of boys. I only have two boys of my own but there are so many ways that I relate to you. I treasure people who are raw and open. And for the record, I am a "nutcase who worries about weird things" too... I think all moms do if they are honest about it. When all is said and done, I think you are an amazing and inspirational person that only brightens the blog-o-sphere!

  10. I think we all struggle with what we post...its only natural. I know especially with Cal's health issues I've wondered what is too much information to put out there for just anyone to read. For us going private was a pretty good solution, the only problem being sometimes I wonder if anyone reads anymore. I also have a separate blog that is just one I write in for me. I know that I am always glad I stopped by here.

  11. your blog is one of the ones I am excited to see when there is an update!

  12. I think everyone goes through a phase when they don't want to blog anymore or feel weird about the process---just take a break and soon you'll want to blog again!! I love your blog!

  13. i really know what you mean!
    sometimes i would love to write out everything, but than i'm too chicken for several reasons...
    i really enjoy your blog (found it through megan e's blog whom i found through another blog, the list goes on...)and if you're going private: please invite me! i'll send you an invitation for my little family/daughter's blog as well:)

    have a great day!

  14. I know I already commented yesterday about this, but I've been thinking more since then. I hope this doesn't come from selfish reasons on my part (as in I don't want to lose you), but if you went totally private, and you were the only one who read it...would you really have the incentive to keep it going? I'm not sure I would with my blog...I seem to need the feedback. I am more likely to post more and share more if I have an audience...but maybe that's just me. And as your boys grow up they will be so thankful you have captured their lives, complete with pictures and your feelings. What can be better than that!

  15. I find your life facinating and inspiring and I love reading about it. I just thought you should know that.


  16. I actually have tears in my eyes...I go to a conference for a week, without computers, then I finally get to one to check up on things, and you're thinking of leaving?!

    That was a little dramatic. My actual thoughts on this subject are...it seems like this space isn't serving what your original purposes were. If you have new purposes for blogging (like writing about more private thoughts), then it is a good thing to make changes and be authentic with yourself.

    It sounds like the main consequence you're concerned about is losing touch with friends you've made. If that is the case, then maybe there is a good solution that would feel right to you. I would totally understand going in-the-dark private. And I would love to stay in touch periodically through email, or any other means of authentic communication.

    Good luck on your decision!!!

  17. you sure are good at writing what you feel!

    blogging is interesting that way and I feel has really helped me discover who I really am, who I think I am and what other people think I am. They all matter a little, because they work together in changing yourself for the better.

    Do whatever you want, whenever you want about blogging. And when you get sick of that decision, change it up again! It's your blog and that is the point of blogging (or at least I think...I doubt anyone has a clear answer about that) :)


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